'90S PARENTS' GOAL: PROTECT FAMILY FROM UGLY, NOXIOUS.

Byline: Doane Hulick Providence Journal-Bulletin

Parents in the 1990s find it increasingly difficult to build strong families because our culture no longer fosters a sense of community, a clinical psychologist and critically acclaimed author says.

Mary Pipher, the best-selling author of ``Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls,'' said, ``We now have a world where children don't know adults, because they're taught to be afraid of them, and a world where adults are afraid of children.''

Pipher was the keynote speaker at the conference on ``Parenting in the '90s.''

Pipher, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Lincoln, Neb., said many of the problems facing parents today come from ``the harsh climate in which families are expected to survive.''

She compared the experiences of her grandparents, who raised a family in eastern Colorado in the 1920s and 1930s, with the experiences of a family in Nebraska in the 1990s to illustrate how the climate has changed.

``My grandparents lived seven miles from town. My grandfather was a rancher. He was civic-minded and ran for the state Senate. He built Chrystal Springs, a place where the family could go on Sundays. ... He was a poet. ... He didn't like being at the house alone.

``My grandmother was very smart, the moral exemplar for the family. The family lived seven miles from town and did everything for themselves. My aunt Margaret played the violin. There were family gatherings. ... They talked and played cards. They had no electricity until after World War II. Sometime in the 1960s they got a television set, but they seldom watched it.

``Loyalty was valued in the family. The family knew who the enemies were - the depressions, blizzards and the locusts,'' Pipher said.

``Now contrast them with a modern family, Brian's family. Brian's company has been downsized. He has had to fire people and he's unhappy with his job. His wife works ... and is the emotional donor,'' both at work and for the family.

``His oldest daughter suffers from anorexia and his other daughter smokes heavily. His youngest son is a good student and a great cello player, but he's afraid to go to school. He's afraid he will be beaten up.

``They are all stressed as individuals and don't know who the enemy is,'' Pipher said.

``What are your enemies in the '90s if you're trying to build a strong family? Well, first of all, we've lost, all over the country, a sense of community.''

Pipher said modern technology and the popular culture also make it difficult for parents to build strong families.

``Children are being raised by appliances,'' she said. ``And I don't just mean TV and computers. ... A lot of kids know Beavis and Butt-head better than they know their cousins ... and the neediest kids watch the most TV.''

She said teachers have told her that children have changed in the last 10 years. ``They say that children are ruder ... they don't know how to negotiate conflict resolution. They think children are learning their social skills from'' TV situation comedies.

``I think parents are very confused ... about the role of culture and its impact on kids.

``Parents need to protect the family from what is ugly and noxious. Families need to connect to what is good and beautiful. ... Kids need a lot of help processing this culture,'' Pipher said.

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Photo: ``Families need to connect to what is good and beautiful. ... Kids need a lot of help processing this culture,'' says a clinical psychologist and best-selling author.

Associated Press