`YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND' - WHAT OLDER ADOLESCENTS NEED.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

Just as we become experts at raising our children, they suddenly become adolescents. This leaves many of us in new and dangerous waters. Not only are there the physical changes of puberty, but psychologically adolescents change dramatically from the children we know to the older adolescent, who presents new and sometimes difficult problems to resolve. Although childhood may last eight to 10 years, adolescence today, with advanced education and job training, may last at least 15 years.

Adolescents develop their own ``culture.'' Our children dress, in part, the way we like them to. They listen to the music we provide for them. We identify them as being like us and part of our family.

Adolescents often develop their own interests, choose their own music, clothing styles and what they read, and cultivate their own attitudes toward the world around them. They have their own TV shows that cater to them and their own attitude about us and our religion and politics.

This is a time for examining every area of life. No longer does the adolescent necessarily accept without question that what we like or say is good. Our children usually love us. Our adolescents may love us or hate us, and their moodiness may make it difficult to decide how they are feeling at any given time.

Of course there are differences among adolescents. Some fit into their families and seem not to have any conflicts, at least outwardly. Most, however, are struggling as much as their parents to communicate and understand the world around them. They may often say, ``You don't understand,'' when having difficulty putting into words how they feel.

Parents are often concerned with what is happening to their adolescents, who are often full of activity, impulsive, often reckless and sometimes in trouble. Parents are used to children with small, easy-to-resolve difficulties. Now they are faced with more complex, potentially more dangerous situations with no clear guidelines.

Should you let your 16-year-old date? Where is he/she going? What is the potential for something to go wrong? Knowing how much to trust an adolescent is something we develop as we go along. With the easy availability of dangerous drugs and dangerous or unprotected sex, we have to know in advance the answer to questions we haven't even thought much about. If, as parents, we fail at the job of setting reasonable and appropriate limits, we may set the stage for problems we do not want to face.

The solution to many of these difficulties lies in the relationship we maintain with our growing and changing adolescents. We hear a lot these days about the difficulties of communication between husbands and wives, but the difficulties of communication with our adolescents is equally challenging. We need to be able to talk to and listen to our adolescents in a manner that they understand.

If they say ``You don't understand,'' then we have failed them, unless we are willing to keep trying until we do understand. The solution really begins with our relationship with our children. Can they talk to us when they want to? Are we open to listening when they are ready to talk? Can we listen in a noncritical manner - without putting them down? If your child or adolescent feels cut off from you, they will show it clearly by never sharing their feelings with you. With our busy schedules, we may try to justify the fact that there is so little time. However, for the child or adolescent, what is important is right now, not later. We either find the time or pay the price.

Suggestions for parents: 1. Parenting an adolescent can be difficult for anyone. Don't blame yourself for the difficulties. 2. Learn the major conflicts for your adolescent by talking and listening in an accepting, noncritical manner.