`TWAS THE GUY BEFORE PC WHAT'S WITH THIS GIGGLY, OBESE, ELDERLY CAREER CRIMINAL?Byline: Jillian O'Connor A very large, very old, very happy man with too many pets will be wreaking havoc on our homes this year, and we'll enjoy it. But if this were a new concept, we'd be hiring tort lawyers to fend him off. A big fat guy - morbidly obese, some would say - lands on a snowy roof with a team of reindeer (one with an electric-bulb nose) and squeezes down a chimney. This tale baffled me as a child, since our house didn't have the oft-depicted slanted roof of every Santa tale; because reindeer lack the concave Concave Property that a curve is below a straight line connecting two end points. If the curve falls above the straight line, it is called convex. hooves of mountain goats, which would allow them to stand comfortably on a slanted surface; and because the triple-decker in which I was raised had no discernible chimney, much less a fireplace. My mother explained that away by saying Santa simply walked in through the front door, which, of course, was always bolted. In the city, Santa breaks and enters. After his unlawful entry, he scuttles around leaving presents for kids who have been ``good,'' solely in his secret estimation - which I'm sure would go over really well right now with parents who've kept up to date on the state of the Boston archdiocese, or the alleged goings-on at the Neverland Ranch. It's hard to believe someone so fat could win approval in our current, collectively bulimic climate. In the real 2003, Santa would be chastised chas·tise tr.v. chas·tised, chas·tis·ing, chas·tis·es 1. To punish, as by beating. See Synonyms at punish. 2. To criticize severely; rebuke. 3. Archaic To purify. as a terrible role model by diet doctors, and avid Atkins practitioners would be setting out strips of beef jerky, with nary a carrot stick for the ill-fated reindeer, who would be slowly sliding off the roof. Yes, that celebrated ``bowl full of jelly,'' which would likely resemble a lumpy, hardened mass in old St. Nick's midsection mid·sec·tion n. A middle section, especially the midriff of the body. , would hardly win him fans for jolliness. A generation reared on Jennifer Aniston and Lara Flynn Boyle Lara Flynn Boyle (born March 24, 1970 in Davenport, Iowa) is an American actress who was raised in Chicago, Illinois and Wisconsin. Although she is of mostly Irish descent, Boyle also has an Italian-American great-grandfather. as models of health and beauty would most likely just say, ``Ewww, fat.'' Then they'd assume the chubby guy had a low IQ, which could help explain why he hangs out with those really short people with funny ears who only know how to make toys out of wood. (One can't even begin to imagine how a 2004 edition child would react to a gift of an oaken toy train, or a doll made of rags.) Let us not forget that, after this man had sneaked into a home, leaving gifts on the sly, and nibbling nibbling Nutrition The consumption of multiple–up to 17–'mini-meals' per day, as opposed to the usual 3 meals/day. Cf Bingeing, Gorging. (some say stealing) a few cookies, the average citizen would feel it was his or her right to shoot Santa for breaking and entering breaking and entering v., n. entering a residence or other enclosed property through the slightest amount of force (even pushing open a door), without authorization. If there is intent to commit a crime, this is burglary. , theft and suspected pedophilia pedophilia, psychosexual disorder in which there is a preference for sexual activity with prepubertal children. Pedophiles are almost always males. The children are more often of the opposite sex (about twice as often) and are typically 13 years or age or younger; . This is America, is it not? And those there reindeer, and that sled filled with toys for the children not just on the block, but presumably pre·sum·a·ble adj. That can be presumed or taken for granted; reasonable as a supposition: presumable causes of the disaster. all over the world, cannot be doing any favors for home insurance policyholders. Think of the yards and yards of ermine ermine, name for a number of northern species of weasel having white coats in winter, and highly prized for their white fur. It most commonly refers to the white phase of Mustela erminea, called short-tailed weasel in North America and stoat in the Old World. Claus would need to cash in to pay damages and restitution. And remember that this guy is old. Like really old. White hair, semi-retired, opting for a cold clime rather than Florida. That never seems to go over well with people in families so splintered that they seldom see Grandma or even the elderly neighbors - at least not nearly as much as they see cable TV. Nonetheless, once a year, we make room in our minds to celebrate a guy who's too fat and too old and too generous to ever otherwise garner positive notice in our society. And maybe that's what Christmas is all about. |
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