`THE MUSE' NEEDS MORE INSPIRATION.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

Albert Brooks has made a career out of writing, directing and starring in fine movies that have been largely ignored by the public. ``Real Life,'' ``Modern Romance,'' ``Lost in America'' and parts of ``Defending Your Life'' and ``Mother'' contain smart, funny and biting looks at human foibles and cultural quirks. The movies are wholly original, wholly Brooks and minor treasures that deserve to be discovered by future generations.

But with his latest effort, ``The Muse,'' Brooks has succeeded in making a movie that deserves to be shunned by moviegoers. An uninspired look at the nature of creativity, ``The Muse'' is an awkwardly filmed, virtually humor-free film so unrelentingly bad that you're left to wonder how it could have possibly been made by anyone, much less a filmmaker as talented as Brooks.

``The Muse'' features cheap slapstick, lame Hollywood satire and self-absorbed navel-gazing of a kind that will appeal only to industry insiders or those living near the 90210 ZIP code. Not one moment of the movie is believable, which may have been Brooks' intention. Precious few moments are funny, which most certainly was not by design.

Brooks plays Hollywood screenwriter Steven Phillips, a onetime Oscar nominee who, word has it, has lost his edge. (Unfortunately, this seems to be one of movie's many autobiographical elements.) Steven loses his deal, his office at Paramount (who, wisely, turned down ``The Muse'') and his confidence in one fell swoop. This leads him down a quixotic trail and to an unlikely brush with Zeus' family tree.

Apparently there's a muse (Sharon Stone) living in Hollywood who has revived flagging careers and turned lifelong hacks into box-office champions. Steven learns of her existence through a screenwriter friend (Jeff Bridges) and begs her to take him on as her latest project. The muse accepts, even though she has movers and shakers like James Cameron, Martin Scorsese and Rob Reiner (all of whom make cameos) lined up at her door.

Steven, a chronic whiner, quickly realizes he may be in over his head. Stone's muse is a demanding spirit, requiring Steven to put her up in the Four Seasons Hotel and fetch her Waldorf salads in the wee hours of the morning. And she doesn't seem to be helping his career, instead concentrating her energies on Steven's wife, Laura (Andie MacDowell), and her dreams of a gourmet cookie empire. (The movie spends far too much time on this annoying subplot.)

Brooks' jabs at Hollywood seem the tired and bitter lashings of a man who has been forced to fight for every movie he has made. When Steven finally hits on a screenplay courtesy of the muse - ``The Beverly Hillbillies'' in an aquarium - it seems ludicrous to believe that the script will resuscitate his career.

Of course, that's probably the point. Brooks is decrying the garbage that Hollywood sells and the public buys. But that doesn't explain why everyone - Steven and Laura included - believes the screenplay is the modern-day equivalent to ``Some Like It Hot.'' In short: Why is everyone in this movie laughing? And, more to the point, why aren't we joining in?

Stone can add comedy to the list of things she can't do in movies. She tries to play off her diva image here, much as Eddie Murphy spoofed himself in the far superior ``Bowfinger.'' But Stone doesn't have the chops or the benefit of a smart script, and Brooks' unimaginative direction cripples her at every turn. She looks like she's trying too hard. Her wooden scenes with MacDowell will likely be playing on a continuous loop in a cineplex somewhere in hell along with clips from ``The Haunting'' and that mechanical spider from ``Wild Wild West.''

Ultimately, though, ``The Muse'' chokes on its insularity, not its performances. We don't need another movie about Hollywood self-involvement, particularly one with nothing new or amusing to say. Next time, Albert, go for the funny bone and save the rants for your agent. And hire a better muse. This one failed you miserably.

The Facts

The film: ``The Muse'' (PG-13; brief nudity).

The stars: Albert Brooks, Sharon Stone, Andie MacDowell, Jeff Bridges.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Brooks. Screenplay by Brooks and Monica Johnson. Released by USA Films.

Running time: One hour, 37 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One star.

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Photo

PHOTO A screenwriter's high-maintenance muse (Sharon Stone, left) seems to be of greater help to his wife (Andie MacDowell) in ``The Muse.''