`THE MAN' SAYS FORGET PARCELLS, TAKE PACK.

Byline: Norman Chad The NFL 

From Wisconsin and Massachusetts and frozen points in between, they are converging on New Orleans. I am en route to join this celebration - and figuring there will be a lot of loose change along Bourbon Street, I'm bringing my ``hands team.''

Interesting fact: More people will view Super Bowl XXXI today between 3:15 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. PST than viewed the Hanging Gardens of Babylon between the years 600 and 215 B.C.

Anyway, you've got questions; we've got answers. So - as is our usual custom this time of year - let's address the most compelling inquiries about the Super Bowl:

Q. Dorsey Levens?

A. Dorsey Levens.

Q. Anything in particular we should watch for during the game broadcast?

A. Watch the game clock - lately, the clock invariably ticks off an extra second or two after incomplete passes or plays that go out of bounds. Every NFL second wasted is one you can never make up. (I believe Lombardi said that.) Anyway, you have the chance to follow this because the game is on Fox, which puts time and score in the corner of the screen. If it were on NBC, we'd get the score at the beginning of the game and at the end of the game. Those NBC guys treat football games like boxing matches - they don't want anybody to know who's ahead until it's over.

Q. What's the deal with these Cheeseheads who root for the Packers?

A. Cheeseheads have become the Hare Krishna of the '90s. They're everywhere - airports, visiting stadiums, gas-station islands. They preach. They follow. They proselytize. They chant. They're like the pod people in ``Invasion of the Body Snatchers'' - they appear perfectly normal (other than that dead, robotic look), walk around emptily and let out this weird, primal scream every so often on third-and-long.

Q. Patriots fans in New Orleans - isn't that a hotel room-honor bar accident waiting to happen?

A. Yes.

Q. Who exactly are YOU to have such an attitude?

A. I am The Man. I am The Walrus. I am the cappo di tutti cappi. Back off, Jack.

Q. What's it like to be The Man?

A. I'm one of the glitterati, and, frankly, the paparazzi won't leave me alone. Case in point: I'm trying to have a quiet, quality meal at Carrows the other day, but people gather around the salad bar and start shouting, ``You The Man! You The Man!'' Folks, I appreciate all the support, but you've got to let me eat my potato skins in peace.

Q. Hey, wasn't Carolina Super Bowl-bound?

A. Carolina, Green Bay, New England, six of one, half a dozen of the other. I called the stock-market crash of '87, and you're going to nickel-and-dime me on some close-but-no-cigar NFL pick? Get out of my way, I've got ``Entertainment Tonight'' interviews to do.

Q. What's the best football movie of all time?

A. Outside of NFL Films, you have to go with ``North Dallas Forty.'' But the best line of dialogue comes from the opening of ``The Longest Yard,'' when Burt Reynolds' woman-of-the-moment tells Burt disgustedly, ``Only a moron sits and watches two football games, one after the other.''

Q. Will this be Bill Parcells' final game as Patriots coach?

A. One would need a searchlight, a blowtorch, a snow shovel, a psychic and Gallagher to get inside of Parcells' head. Nobody knows what he's going to do, which means you really don't want to tailgate him too closely on the highway.

Q. Incidentally, what's Rich Kotite up to these days?

A. Seeking a job with less stress, the ex-Jets coach is expected to be named new diversity chief of Texaco.

Q. Why did Brett Favre finally shave?

A. Endorsement-wise, he had to decide whether he wanted to be the next Joe Montana or the next Jack Kerouac. Still, I'm a bit worried about the Green Bay quarterback. After he throws four touchdown passes against the Patriots, they're going to stick a microphone in his face and ask, ``Brett Favre, you've just been named Super Bowl MVP, what are you going to do now?'' And he'll answer, ``I'm going to my orthodontist!''

Q. What's a good thing to eat while watching the Super Bowl telecast?

A. During the game, The Man strongly recommends Chilean sea bass with balsamic glaze, accompanied by a vegetable salad of daikon, carrots, onions and radish clover. If any of these ingredients is unavailable in your area, then ``to heck with it'' and just check your local Yellow Pages for the nearest Pizza Hut.

Q. So, who exactly does The Man like in Super Bowl XXXI?

A. The Packers are favored by 14 points. Some people are leaning toward the Patriots because of ``the Parcells factor.'' It's like at the racetrack - you get a good jockey on a bad horse, and a lot of railbirds will bet that horse way down. But, ladies and gentlemen, you can put Laffit Pincay Jr. on Mister Ed, and Mister Ed's not going to win the Derby. In this game, Parcells is Pincay and the Patriots are Mister Ed (and Robert Kraft is Wilbur Post). The Packers are much better than the Patriots. How much better? About 38-19 better. Give the points and meet me in Marseille!

Last week: 0-2.

Season record: 124-122-2.