`STEPMOM' GUSHES WITH SENTIMENTALITY.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Daily News Film Critic

Contrived, manipulative and possessing the emotional depth of a Furby, ``Stepmom'' nevertheless manages to work the audience's tear ducts in such a way that half the theater will be sniffling while the other half (or more?) will be burying their heads in their hands, their despair born of an altogether different source.

Stupid to its core, ``Stepmom'' gives the thoughtful moviegoer ample time to ponder some deeper issues of film schmaltz and coping-with-cancer movies. Namely:

1) Why these films seem to always time the cancer to coincide with the holiday season. Here, much like in the earlier and superior ``One True Thing,'' the mom (Susan Sarandon) learns of her illness around Halloween (trick or treat!), fights it around Thanksgiving and succumbs just in time for Christmas and the new year. This allows ham-fisted filmmakers (in this case director Chris Columbus and no fewer than five cliche-loving writers) the opportunity to double-dip in holiday goo and tear-jerking, cancer-filled bathos.

2) Why kids in these movies never act like kids. Ostensibly about fractured families and what happens when the father (Ed Harris) decides to remarry a younger woman with more teeth (Julia Roberts), ``Stepmom'' has two children that walk, talk and act like wise old souls instead of youngsters who have a lot of issues to sort through.

These kids (a 12-year-old girl annoyingly played by Jena Malone and a 7-year-old boy winsomely played by Liam Aiken) are about as much fun as a root canal and about as childlike as Ted Koppel. No wonder their father never spends any time with them, even though supposedly the kids mean ``everything to him.''

3) Why, when every plot device is so completely obvious, do the filmmakers have to jab us in the rib cage time and time again, just to make sure we didn't miss anything. Most egregious example: ``Stepmom'' contains not one, but two lip-synched sing-alongs to ``Ain't No Mountain High Enough.''

Marvin Gaye's estate should sue for damages.

Of course, the answers to all these questions comes down to the simple fact that the filmmakers think most people are idiots and, confusing emotional button-pushing with emotional insight, decide to pander instead of probe. That doesn't necessarily mean you're stupid if you like ``Stepmom.'' It does mean, though, that you deserve better.

The talented cast certainly deserves better, but then they might have thought twice about signing up for an issues-oriented drama directed by the man who gave the world ``Home Alone.''

Roberts and Sarandon spend most of the movie bickering, but you know with complete certainty that they'll eventually become friends. Of course, Sarandon has to contract cancer for that to happen, but, hey, what do you want from a movie? Parenting dilemmas? True-to-life complexities?

Who has time for such things when there's karaoke to be sung?

The facts

The film: ``Stepmom'' (PG-13; language and adult themes).

The stars: Susan Sarandon, Julia Roberts and Ed Harris.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Chris Columbus. Screenplay by Gigi Levangie, Jessie Nelson, Steven Rogers, Karen Leigh Hopkins and Ron Bass. Released by Sony Pictures.

Running time: Two hours, four minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: two stars.

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Photo

PHOTO Susan Sarandon plays the dying mother to two children, Liam Aikem and Jena Malone, in the all-too-predictable ``Stepmom.''