`ROMANCE' HAS PLENTY OF PORN, PHILOSOPHY.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

Like a sophomore Introduction to Philosophy class taught by porn stars, ``Romance'' is one of those unconscious parodies of French cinema that takes itself too seriously to be in on the joke. It's funny for a while - and with the extra added attraction of hard-core sex footage - but the dreariness factor here swamps whatever little entertainment value inadvertently wiggles its way through.

As for intellectual content, well, despite the high risibility factor, there is some. Writer-director Catherine Breillat wanted to make a sex film from a woman's point of view, and she has succeeded in presenting explicit footage that no male on Earth is likely to find arousing. Amid all the accompanying mumbo jumbo about gender politics and the impossibility of love, a few choice observations on the feminine libido manage to get tossed around.

But Breillat has unfortunately developed a heroine of such irritating self-absorption and stupidity that we can't come to care about her dubious epiphanies or carnal frustrations. The answers we want to shout at the screen in response to every overly analytical argument boil down to ``Straighten up!'' or ``Get a life!'' Or a combination of the two.

Marie (Caroline Ducey) is a skinny elementary school teacher who can't spell (and you thought the LAUSD had problems). She's living with a pretentious model, Paul (Sagamore Stevenin), who says he loves her but doesn't want to make love to her anymore. Perhaps due to her dyslexia, Marie interprets this to mean that she should find all the alternative sex partners she can and it won't really be cheating.

But then, duh, it isn't exactly fulfilling, either. She picks up a real machine of a guy in a bar, but despite his efficiency, Paolo (real-life Italian porn actor Rocco Siffredi) unfortunately flunks the soul-mate test. Maybe she'll have better luck with the school principal, Robert (Francois Berleand), a balding, middle-age schlub who likes to boast about the thousands of women he's seduced (and you thought the LAUSD had problems).

Back at Robert's pitifully unimpressive makeout pad, he introduces Marie to bondage. She bursts into tears at one point during the tedious tying-up process, perhaps because she's finally realized that she may be something of a masochist. Or maybe it's just because, like us viewers, she's disappointed to discover that S&M really requires a lot more work than it's worth.

Whatever the reason, Marie grows increasingly obnoxious, except for one moment of transient joy when she thinks of Robert, in one of many unfortunately formed inner-voice monologues, ``He ties me up without tying me down!''

A slight but key variation on that line gives you the title of a good Pedro Almodovar movie about sexual obsession as the path to true romance. The difference between Almodovar and Breillat is that he knows how to mix genuine, fully formed emotional intelligence with outrageous erotic provocations, while she just tries to form a connection between theory and smut.

THE FACTS

The film: ``Romance'' (not rated; explicit sex, nudity, language).

The stars: Caroline Ducey, Sagamore Stevenin, Francois Berleand, Rocco Siffredi.

Behind the scenes: Written and directed by Catherine Breillat. Produced by Jean-Francois Lepetit. Released by Trimark Pictures.

Running time: One hour, 35 minutes.

Playing: Nuart, West L.A.

Our rating: Two stars.

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Photo

Photo: Marie (Caroline Ducey) is a schoolteacher whose frustruation with lover Paul (Sagamore Stevenin) leads her to seek other sexual partners in ``Romance,'' which features many explicit scenes.