`LADY IN THE WATER' GIVES THAT SINKING FEELING.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

o be honest, I thought ``The Village'' was a terrific movie. A griev-ous commentary on some Americans' desire to believe in a never-existing Edenic past, it bore stirring cultural resonances whether you liked its twist ending or not.

And I realize that most people thought that ending sucked. Regardless, smart stuff is there in ``The Village,'' it's moving -- and it has claws.

Nothing nearly as good transfers over to writer-director M. Night Shyamalan's follow-up film, ``Lady in the Water.''

As you may have heard, this tale of a magical sea nymph who winds up trapped in an eccentrically populated apartment complex began as a bedtime story Shyamalan made up for his children as he went along.

Silly beyond belief, the movie feels like it was made up as he went about shooting it, too. The movie makes direct fun of standard Hollywood storytelling conventions, and that's enjoyable. But its utter lack of narrative discipline is just plain amateurish, not subversive.

Yes, this is Shyamalan's most intentionally funny film, and ``Lady's'' few saving graces evolve from its implanted humor. But, for the most part, this is one of Shyamalan's ponderous pleas for faith, like ``Signs.'' Only this time, he asks for belief in such loony nonsense, you can't help but laugh at the movie's most heartfelt moments.

It doesn't help that, in his biggest movie role to date, Shyamalan himself plays an aspiring writer who asks to just be taken seriously. It's the movie's biggest laugh.

Set entirely on the grounds of a five-story, U-shaped apartment complex called The Cove, ``Lady'' features Paul Giamatti as the stuttering building superintendent, Cleveland Heep. He's hiding from a typically Night-like past trauma, and he wants to catch whomever's using the swimming pool after hours.

The culprit turns out to be a young naked lady named Story (``Village's'' Bryce Dallas Howard, all big staring eyes and otherworldly stillness). She quickly explains that she's a narf, a sea nymph sent to communicate an important message for all mankind. But she needs to get back in the ocean soon. And she's prevented from doing this by an evil, grass coated wolf monster that lurks in the woods on the apartment's edge.

That's right, a wolf monster with grass for fur. Sorry, that's just not real scary.

Arbitrarily, Story can explain a lot of her, um, story, but is cryptic on other salient points. In order to help her, Cleveland turns to his oddball residents.

Weirdly, Mrs. Choi (June Kyoko Lu), the elder half of a cartoonish Korean mother daughter act, knows everything there is to know about narf legend. This and all the other helpful qualities of assorted Cove tenants is explained in a throwaway line about an hour into the movie. But by then it's too late; Mrs. Choi's heaps of obscure knowledge have set up an atmosphere of contrivance that can't be overcome.

Not that Shyamalan tries to. As more and more Cove-dwellers unquestioningly sign on to the preposterous supernatural mission, the grabbing at legend-illuminating sinks to absurd depths.

Before you know it, the credulous renters are seeking guidance from crossword puzzles and the writing on cereal boxes. They even make the deadly foolish mistake of following the counsel of a film critic (Bob Balaban). Take it from me, people: We're the last folks you want to go to for life lessons.

But I urge you to listen to us when we warn you not to waste money on ``Lady in the Water.'' To give Shyamalan a huge benefit of the doubt, there does seem to be some satiric point made here about the gullibility of crowds who desperately want to believe in something, whether it's magic, or a filmmaker who can always take us to a surprising, satisfying place.

But such things only exist in myth. And even if there was a satirical motive behind this bizarre mess of a film, it mostly falls flat.

LADY IN THE WATER - One and one half stars

(PG-13: violence, language)

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan, Cindy Cheung, Bob Balaban, Jeffrey Wright, Sarita Choudhury, June Kyoko Lu.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan.

Running time: 1 hr. 50 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: Ludicrous fable about a sea nymph, an apartment superintendent and a grass-covered wolf creature is neither scary, profound nor consistently funny -- though at different times the director thinks it's all three.

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Bryce Dallas Howard is a lost water nymph, and Paul Giamatti comes to her rescue, in ``Lady in the Water.''