`JASON'S' A MYTH, ALL RIGHT ITS HERO TAKES A JOURNEY; THE AUDIENCE GETS TAKEN FOR A RIDE.

Byline: David Kronke Television Writer

``Jason and the Argonauts'' plays into the worst impulses of the Robert Halmi - Sr. and Jr. - aesthetic. It has a sort of ``we're fooling nobody'' pretension, suggesting that there's something remotely valuable about the proceedings because, after all, it has stilted dialogue and is based on Greek mythology (not even that, the press notes virtually shriek - this is based on a true story!). It's simply a happy coincidence, the Halmis would wink, that as an added bonus, we get to wallow in special-effects monsters and exotic beauties naked from the back.

Jason London, who convincingly played way-wasted dudes in ``Dazed and Confused'' and ``Broken Vessels,'' proves here why he's never been cast in a period epic before. He stars as Jason, the guy favored by the goddess Hera, who leads the proverbial ragtag army on a journey to many Islands of Polysyllabic Names, which results in the death of a lot of supporting players and lizardy beasties and somehow ultimately leads to the overthrow of the corrupt reign of his evil uncle, Pelias (Dennis Hopper - who knows why).

London's manner is way too contemporary for this, and the gobs of bluster contributed by his supporting cast make him seem spectacularly wooden. He doesn't so much detachedly deliver lines like ``I have greater things to ponder than games'' or ``(They) only hide their fear and cowardice'' than sidestep them completely, as if he's a bit dismayed to be spouting such nonsense decked out in hair extensions, sandals and leather breastplates.

Certainly, none of his co-stars have to put in as much screen time. Hopper bares his teeth a lot, but doesn't even bother to overact, which somehow amounts to an even sorrier spectacle. Angus MacFadyen (``Cradle Will Rock'') and Olivia Williams (``Rushmore'') engage in some risibly rancorous repartee as Zeus and Hera bickering over Jason's fate - they don't so much comment on the action as bring it to a dead halt.

Natasha Henstridge shows up briefly as the queen of an island of evil babes with designs on Jason and his crewmen. (Here's how bad it gets for London - he looks like he's suffering a hernia in his love scene with Henstridge.) Derek Jacobi sports goofy eye makeup as a blind soothsayer, and Frank Langella sleepwalks through a turn as the king who protects the Golden Fleece, this saga's Holy Grail.

The special effects are what sell this thing, although they won't likely convert anyone with fond memories of Ray Harryhausen's 1963 ``Jason'' (which also had the virtue of being much, much shorter). There's an island that's really a sleeping giant (so-so effects), some ghastly looking harpies (pretty cool), a mechanical bull (shrug), sword-fighting skeletons (no real improvement on Harryhausen's) and a dragon protecting the fleece (not bad).

Too bad you have to sit through so much humdrum blather to get to the good parts. Jason may end up with the gold, but it's the audience that gets fleeced.

The facts

--The show: ``Jason and the Argonauts.''

--What: Special-effects-laden miniseries based on the Greek myth.

--The stars: Jason London, Dennis Hopper, Angus MacFadyen, Olivia Williams, Jolene Blalock, Frank Langella, Brian Thompson, Derek Jacobi, Natasha Henstridge.

--Where: NBC (Channel 4).

--When: 9 tonight and Monday.

--Our rating: Two stars

`Cupid' just doesn't fly

``Cupid & Cate,'' based on a novel with the significantly less alliterative title ``Cupid and Diana,'' could've been structured a little more efficiently. The romantic telefilm spends its first hour spinning its narrative wheels, protractedly spelling out its fairly simplistic plot complications; then, in a 15-minute spate, a whole bunch of things happen. The final 45 minutes are given over to the rote resolution of that brief, calamitous spurt of narrative.

Caitlin (Mary-Louise Parker) runs a vintage clothing store she bought from a family pal (Oscar winner Brenda Fricker, in what passes for a colorful character here). She's involved with a guy who, it's made intractably clear in his first minute of screen time, is all wrong for her - his engagement pitch is, ``We make a good team - I want you to stick around.''

She meets Mr. Perfect (Peter Gallagher), who tells her, ``I think you're somethin', and very beautiful, too.'' Her heart so melts that when he asks her on a date, she responds, ``Whatever''; she waffles undramatically over whom she should wind up with.

By then, a whole new crop of crises has arisen. Trouble is, they're just nominally interesting, and at this point, the viewer's good will toward the proceedings has probably dissipated. In between, there's a whole lot of establishing shots, not to mention images of cars pulling up to and folks sauntering up to their destinations that helps sap any tension that might be developing. Most network series could've dispensed with the plot here in a mere hour.

Parker's too prosaic here to carry the proceedings, particularly playing a character weary of the staid status quo - she seems a card-carrying member of it. Joanna Going, as her ditsy/wise sister Cynthia, boasts a lot more spark and verve; she would've made a much livelier headliner. Gallagher exudes a low-key charm; the rest of the cast members hit their marks competently. Fricker's big moment comes in a brief monologue extolling the virtues of fertilizer; she must be plenty at home here.

- D.K.

The facts

The show: ``Cupid & Cate.''

--What: Romantic tale of a restless woman bristling against family dynamics.

--The stars: Mary-Louise Parker, Peter Gallagher, Joanna Going, Bebe Neuwirth, Philip Bosco, Brenda Fricker.

--Where: CBS (Channel 2).

--When: 9 tonight.

--Our rating: Two stars

Disney could have pulled more strings for 'Geppetto'

So Drew Carey wanted to stretch - can't blame the guy for that. He's a deadpan-funny presence who enjoys pushing cynical/naughty buttons on his sitcom, but - go figure - he wanted to prove he has not only a heart but vocal cords, too.

Hence, ``The Wonderful World of Disney's Geppetto,'' a musical (using the term advisedly) from the point of view of Pinocchio's toy-maker creator. This being a Disney production, it opens with a number in which children extol the virtues of acquiring as many toys as possible (the filmmakers exercise restraint in not shooting this sequence in a Disney Store).

Geppetto pines for a son, then, from pine (or an inexpensive wood substitute), crafts one (Seth Adkins, under some icky makeup). Pinocchio rebels, dully; the Blue Fairy (an amiably twittering Julia Louis-Dreyfus), the wicked Stromboli (amusingly essayed by Brent Spiner), the insidious Buonragazzo (Rene Auberjonois at his most blustery) and an inept Magician (a game but underused Wayne Brady) variously abet and obfuscate Geppetto's efforts to bond with his chip off the old block.

OK, maybe Carey has a heart - hard to tell; any real emotions get lost in the clutter of a busy, almost desperate-seeming production (also, Carey's a little self-conscious about his acting - check out his amateurish double-take when he learns Pinocchio has gotten into trouble at school). Clearly, though, the comic lacks the pipes to carry the sort of simperingly tuneless ballads foisted upon him here.

Of course, just about anyone would be at sea with this material; composer Stephen Schwartz seems to have knocked off the whole musical in an afternoon or two. The lyrics have some clever rhymes, but more often they're forced and strangulated, and there's not a memorable melody in the whole melange. As a result, the dancing is either tentative (Carey and Louis-Dreyfus mainly concentrate on not stepping on anyone's feet) or a jumble of motion for motion's sake.

As directed by Tom Moore from a witless script by David Stern, ``Geppetto'' falls into the kitchen-sink production category. The thinking seems to be if there are enough vivid colors and random activity and gobs of plain-old busyness littering the screen, viewers might be distracted from noticing what a mess everything is. It's sort of the ``Howard the Duck'' of TV musicals.

- David Kronke

The facts

--The show: ``Geppetto.''

--What: ``Wonderful World of Disney'' musical about Pinocchio's creator.

--The stars: Drew Carey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Brent Spiner, Usher Raymond, Wayne Brady, Rene Auberjonois.

--Where: ABC (Channel 7).

--When: 7 tonight.

--Our rating: One and one half stars

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

Photo:

(1) Jason London as Jason consorts with Jolene Blalock as Medea in NBC's ``Jason and the Argonauts,'' airing tonight and Monday.

(2) Mary-Louise Parker finds herself pursued by Peter Gallagher in the romantic ``Cupid & Cate,'' airing tonight on CBS.

(3) Julia Louis-Dreyfus flutters about as the Blue Fairy in Disney's musical special ``Geppetto,'' at 7 tonight on ABC.