`DA VINCI' CAN'T QUITE UNLOCK THE BOOK'S CODE.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

Of all the groups expecting to get upset over ``The Da Vinci Code'' movie -- albinos, the French, hairstylists -- the folks who may be the least outraged might actually turn out to be Christians.

More on that later. But first, the faction that may potentially be most aggrieved by Ron Howard's take on Dan Brown's blockbuster novel are the millions who've bought the book. Boiling the brain-tickling puzzle play down to its hunt-and-chase basics, Howard and his favorite screenwriter, Akiva Goldsman (they did ``A Beautiful Mind'' and ``Cinderella Man'' together), have edited out most of what makes the story fun.

This is no crime against literature. For all of its popularity, Brown's work is marked by flat prose, clumsy dialogue, gossamer-thin characters and ``facts'' about art, religion and history that pretty much every expert in those fields can debunk in their sleep.

But ``Da Vinci'' also has more going for it than other famously poorly written best sellers such as ``The Godfather'' and ``The Bridges of Madison County'' (both of which were turned into excellent movies, by the way). For one, it has a sense of humor. For another, all those cryptic riddles required some intelligence to write, and to enjoy reading.

In the movie, they're rushed through so fast that the intellectual thrill gets lost. As for the jokes, forget it; except for a sugar-cured Ian McKellen having a high old time as church-hating British nobleman Leigh Teabing, Howard's movie is as solemn as a High Mass.

Which brings us back to why Christians might not be as scandalized by the film as they have been by the book. Brown's basic premise remains intact. For those unfamiliar with the story -- and if you want to be surprised by the movie, stop reading now -- that would be that Jesus married Mary Magdalene, fathered a child before the Crucifixion, and his descendants might still be running around in, of all the godless places, France. This secret has been guarded through the centuries by a shadowy group called the Priory of Sion, who, when they get uppity about revealing the truth to the world, tend to get killed off by minions of the Vatican.

This more or less happens one night in the Louvre, when the Priory's top guy is murdered by the fanatic albino monk Silas (Paul Bettany), who works for the ultra-conservative Catholic organization Opus Dei. Before he dies, the murdered man leaves cryptic clues that only his estranged granddaughter Sophie (``Amelie'' imp Audrey Tautou) and visiting Harvard ``symbologist'' Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks, with controversial hair) can figure out -- if the Paris police or Silas don't catch them first.

But while, in the book, Langdon is as skeptical as the more radical Teabing is of the official Christ story, in the movie version, Hanks repeatedly mouths traditionalist counterpoints to the older man's blasphemous statements. Throwaway lines also let Opus Dei (a real religious outfit) and the Catholic hierarchy off the hook by basically stating that it's only a few misguided individuals, and not these establishments' policies, that are responsible for all the mayhem.

This watering down of the book's most subversive element feels like commercial pandering; maybe it'll rope in a few more devout customers while ``Da Vinci'' fans, who'll probably come anyway, may not notice. Additionally, Howard all but sidesteps the ritualized sex that's a big part of the goddess worship-crazy novel, and completely snuffs out the romantic spark between Langdon and Sophie. Essentially, he's gone and Opie-ated ``The Da Vinci Code.''

But Howard also has solved a few of the problems that bringing this supposedly cinematic (but not really) book to the screen entailed. Early scenes actually shot in the Louvre make wonderful use of the museum's artwork and the palace's imposing creepiness. Langdon's multimedia symbology lecture is very cleverly done. Background historical re-creations go a long way toward making reams of expository dialogue tolerable. And a digital deconstruction of Leonardo's ``Last Supper'' painting is the one scene that comes close to approximating Brown's literary playfulness.

But all told, the movie comes off as a too-hurried, too-superficial CliffsNotes reduction of a book that really can't withstand much in the way of simplification.

Bob Strauss, [phone]

bob.strauss(at)dailynews.com

THE DA VINCI CODE - Two and one half stars

(PG-13: violence, nudity, sex, language, drug use)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, Paul Bettany, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina.

Director: Ron Howard.

Running time: 2 hr. 29 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: Diluted adaptation of the ridiculously popular novel zips along, but often neglects to bring the book's sense of fun along for the ride. Director Howard tries to cushion the counter-Christian mythos, too, which might bother some of the book's fans.