`BACHELOR' FAILS TO WIN THE HEART.Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic Having to get married in a big hurry in order to inherit a huge fortune was a creaky creak·y adj. creak·i·er, creak·i·est 1. Tending to creak. 2. Shaky or infirm, as with age; decrepit: creaky knee joints; a creaky regime. comedy concept in 1925, when Buster Keaton Noun 1. Buster Keaton - United States comedian and actor in silent films noted for his acrobatic skills and deadpan face (1895-1966) Joseph Francis Keaton, Keaton made the most that could be made of it with his slapstick slapstick Comedy characterized by broad humour, absurd situations, and vigorous, often violent action. It took its name from a paddlelike device, probably introduced by 16th-century commedia dell'arte troupes, that produced a resounding whack when one comic actor used it to spectacle ``Seven Chances.'' The latest rendition, ``The Bachelor,'' isn't fit to shine the silent version's spats. Starring and co-produced by that nice but, well, too nice Chris O'Donnell, ``Bachelor'' could really use, at the very least, some intentional misanthropy Misanthropy Misbehavior (See MISCHIEVOUSNESS.) Ahab, Captain consumed by hate, pursues whale that ripped off his leg. [Am. Lit.: Moby Dick] Alceste antisocial hero. [Fr. Lit. to go with its unexamined, unfunny misogyny misogyny /mi·sog·y·ny/ (mi-soj´i-ne) hatred of women. mi·sog·y·ny n. Hatred of women. mi·sog . If O'Donnell could come off as half the jerk he's pretending to play - or if that guy had anything like the Great Stone Face's obtuse ob·tuse adj. 1. Lacking quickness of perception or intellect. 2. Not sharp or acute; blunt. self-absorption - the movie might have generated more than one laugh. That lone chortle chor·tle n. A snorting, joyful laugh or chuckle. intr. & tr.v. chor·tled, chor·tling, chor·tles To utter a chortle or express with a chortle. comes fairly early on in the film, when O'Donnell's Jimmy Shannon, the heir to a San Francisco billiards billiards, any one of a number of games played with a tapered, leather-tipped stick called a cue and various numbers of balls on a rectangular, cloth-covered slate table with raised and cushioned edges. table manufacturing fortune (of all things), asks his longtime girlfriend, Anne (Renee Zellweger), to marry him with the preamble ``You win.'' Understandably swept right onto her feet, Anne declines, though she is clearly destined des·tine tr.v. des·tined, des·tin·ing, des·tines 1. To determine beforehand; preordain: a foolish scheme destined to fail; a film destined to become a classic. 2. to forgive and accept by movie's end. But first the film has to go through the motions of making it hard, especially once Jimmy's procreation-obsessed granddad (Peter Ustinov) dies and leaves a 24-hour deadline for the lad to get hitched or forfeit his inheritance. Much running time is spent looking up past girlfriends, all of whom say no and are stereotyped as one kind of female demon or another. Mariah Carey - playing, unimaginatively, a diva - is not presented attractively, which is quite an accomplishment, and quickly cut away from when speaking instead of singing. For her part, Brooke Shields is encouraged to chainsmoke and fritter and generally grate. It all culminates, like the Keaton version, with 1,000 wedding-gowned hopefuls who've responded to a newspaper ad chasing Jimmy through the streets. Unlike the Keaton version, however, no visual comedic ingenuity is applied to these scenes. The director is Gary Sinyor, who last made the missed-opportunity spoof of English heritage films ``Stiff Upper Lips.'' The job he does here may not be inept, but it is thoroughly uninspired. Zellweger manages a sweet moment or two and Artie Lange, as Jimmy's coarse best buddy, provides a smidgen of the raunchiness the movie could probably have used a lot more of. Like Ustinov's, the potential comic contributions of Edward Asner and Hal Holbrook remain just that: potential. THE FACTS The film: ``The Bachelor'' (PG-13; language). The stars: Chris O'Donnell, Renee Zellweger, Hal Holbrook, James Cromwell, Artie Lange, Edward Asner, Peter Ustinov, Brooke Shields, Mariah Carey. Behind the scenes: Directed by Gary Sinyor. Written by Steve Cohen, based on the movie ``Seven Chances.'' Produced by Lloyd Segan and Bing Howenstein. Released by New Line Cinema. Running time: One hour, 41 minutes. Playing: Citywide. Our rating: One and one half stars. CAPTION(S): Photo Photo: Love, marriage, a mega-inheritance and a deadline elicit a massive tug-of-war for this reluctant groom in ``The Bachelor.'' |
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