`AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM' IS ITS OWN JOKE.

Byline: Bob Strauss Daily News Film Critic

If you think the title ``An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn'' is awkward, wait till you see the movie. Or, rather, let the title be a warning to stay away.

Utterly witless, this purported satire of the movie business is exactly the kind of empty effort it attempts to criticize. The best joke here is that the director, Arthur Hiller, removed his name from the final product, turning ``Smithee'' into a film that indeed is credited to director Alan Smithee. That's a laugh-as-you-choke kind of irony, but it's funnier than anything on the screen.

For those not in the know, Alan Smithee is the name the Directors Guild puts on a film when the real director removes his or her name. Sometimes, this is done when creative differences arise with producers, studios or powerful stars; but even then, and in every other case, it's because a filmmaker doesn't want a lousy movie attached to his or her resume.

The conflict, for lack of a better term, in ``Smithee'' is that the director of the film within the film is really named Alan Smithee, so he can't take his name off the disaster. Played by Eric Idle, who has come a long way from Monty Python, Smithee is a first-time director who, for reasons never made clear, was handed the helm of a $200 million action monstrosity called ``Trio,'' starring Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg and Jackie Chan, all of whom play themselves.

According to studio executive Jerry Glover (Richard Jeni) and producer James Edmunds (Ryan O'Neal), who commandeered post-production from Smithee, ``Trio'' tested great with critics and focus groups and would've earned titanic grosses. But their interference made Smithee flip, and he stole the negative, which he swore to destroy if they didn't let him cut it his way.

Smithee gives his side of the story from an English insane asylum, where Idle is reduced to trying to get laughs out of singing ``Itsy Bitsy Spider.'' Rappers Coolio and Chuck D play the filmmaking Brothers Brothers, whose humor input stops at their name. Miramax Films boss Harvey Weinstein is a private detective who tries to find Smithee and the negative but has about as much success as an executive who tries to act.

``Smithee'' is told in the tired, mockumentary manner pioneered by ``This Is Spinal Tap'' (and applied to the movie world much more effectively by the indie gem ``And God Spoke''). Written - and commandeered in post-production - by Joe Eszterhas, it's as inept as anything the overpaid creator of ``Showgirls'' and ``Jade'' has ever done. Only it seems more so, since satire of this sort requires subtle cleverness and acute observational skills, two items traditionally absent from Eszterhas' creative quiver.

So the film is packed with dreary, talking-head interviews and inside references that won't mean anything to most people but, I assure you, are just as dumb as the broader gags. Basically, the film tells us producers are slime, journalists are worse, and everybody in the business still talks about Mike Ovitz.

Which they don't.

Besides the ``Trio'' trio - Stallone actually makes some good fun of himself, by the way, but it's not worth seeing the movie for - insiders like writer Shane Black and producer Robert Evans do small bits as themselves. Dustin Hoffman, frankly, does a better Evans in ``Wag the Dog.''

``Smithee'' is being promoted as the movie Hollywood doesn't want you to see. Probably true, but not because of the way it pillories the industry. It's just such a bad example of Hollywood filmmaking, it's an embarrassment to even this shameless town.

The facts

The film: ``An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn'' (R; language, sex).

The stars: Ryan O'Neal, Eric Idle, Richard Jeni, Coolio, Chuck D, Leslie Stefanson, Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg and Jackie Chan.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Alan Smithee (yeah, right). Written by Joe Eszterhas. Produced by Ben Myron. Released by Hollywood Pictures.

Running time: One hour, 23 minutes.

Playing: Laemmle Town Center 5, Encino; Laemmle Sunset 5, West Hollywood; AMC Century 14, Century City.

Our rating: one star

CAPTION(S):

PHOTO Eric Idle plays a director who wants final cut in ``An Alan Sm ithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn.''