`A GOOD YEAR' NOT THE BEST VINTAGE.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

We've seen many alarming things at the movies recently.

Jack Nicholson drenched in blood and wielding sex toys. Two unattractive, fake Kazakh men wrestling naked. Practically all of the ridiculous Diane Arbus bioflick, ``Fur.''

Russell Crowe trying to twinkle may not be the most unsettling thing on the big screen this season, but it's up there.

In ``A Good Year,'' he plays a shark of a London bond trader, Max Skinner, whose life takes a turn for the whimsical when he inherits an uncle's rundown chateau and vineyard in Provence.

Now, Russell Crowe may sometimes be the terror the media often characterizes him as. I know from several meetings that he can be incredibly charming, but in a really smart, roguish and passionately engaged way. Whimsy is not in him, though. And that, unfortunately, is the key he and his ``Gladiator'' director Ridley Scott (another talent not naturally attuned to lightweight airiness) have chosen for this film.

It feels wrong from the start. Supposedly some kind of soulless, greedy British Gordon Gekko, Max is introduced orchestrating a multimillion-

pound trade manipulation that we're supposed to believe is brilliant but looks pretty simple, actually. He speaks condescendingly to both his underlings and his rivals -- but Crowe's inflections don't match the wickedness of the words. His voice has a friendly lilt, one that belongs to an actor who wants to be loved though his character does not.

When notified that the only person he ever seems to have cared about, Uncle Henry, has died and left him the aforementioned French estate, all Max can think about is how much he can sell it for. This despite it being the place of his fondest childhood memories (Albert Finney is the eccentric-but-wise uncle in sunny flashbacks; ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory's'' Freddie Highmore plays the young Max).

Of course, he has to go to the French countryside for a few weeks in order to facilitate the sale. Of course even more, events conspire to make workaholic Max go sitting-around-sipping-vin native.

From having to drive around in a silly-looking, Inspector Clouseau mini-mobile to getting stuck at the manure-clogged bottom of a drained swimming pool, Max suffers a series of indignities with, for the most part, a sporting smile. Dealings with assorted French stereotypes -- cranky vintner, earthy housekeeper, gorgeous bistro owner who hates him at first but, you know -- leads to more unconvincing grinning on Crowe's part. His performance gains a little more traction when the only thing resembling a real threat arrives, a young American woman who could well be the illegitimate cousin -- and, therefore, the property's legal owner -- she claims to be. She's played by the fine Australian actress Abbie Cornish (``Somersault,'' which I can't recommend renting enough), whose talent may be overlooked in the foreseeable future as she's blamed for breaking up Reese Witherspoon's marriage.

Anyway, the movie is lovely to look at and undemandingly pleasant all around. Director Scott owns an estate near where it was shot, and he actually convinced neighbor and longtime friend Peter Mayle (``A Year in Provence'') to write the novel on which the movie is based.

But who other than people who can afford homes in the south of France really cares about Max's main conflict of having to choose between making gazillions in the world's most exciting city and a life of country squire luxury?

To be fair, ``A Good Year'' feels slightly more grounded in reality than similar fare such as ``Under the Tuscan Sun.'' But it's still too frothy by half, and with hardly any dramatic tension and a lead performance that rarely plays genuine, the balance remains stubbornly off. It's like a vintage that's drinkable, but only really good for getting a buzz, not savoring any real richness.

Bob Strauss, [phone]

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A GOOD YEAR - Two and one half stars

(PG-13: language, sexual situations)

Starring: Russell Crowe, Albert Finney, Marion Cotillard, Abbie Cornish, Freddie Highmore.

Director: Ridley Scott.

Running time: 1 hr. 57 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: Both director and lead actor are miscast in this whimsical adaptation of Peter Mayle's south of France idyll.

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Photo:

Max (Russell Crowe) begins to savor his new life in Provence and his new love, cafe owner Fanny Chenal (Marion Cotillard) in ``A Good Year.'' Both Crowe and director Ridley Scott dig deep in this idyllic film for a sense of whimsy, but come up short.