`24' SAVES THE EMMYS JACK BAUER SMELLS SOMETHING FISHY AT THE SHRINE AND HE'S DETERMINED TO UNCOVER AN AWARDS-SHOW CONSPIRACY.Byline: David Kronke Television Critic As celebrities prance and preen down the red carpet tonight, a dark, threatening presence surrounds the 58th annual Emmy Awards ceremony at the Shrine Auditorium The Shrine Auditorium is a landmark large-event venue in Los Angeles, California, USA. It is also the headquarters of the Al Malaikah Temple, a division of the Shriners. . This year, a number of acclaimed actors were snubbed due to a new nomination process, and there are rumors -- nasty rumors -- that something unpleasant might happen tonight. No one takes the threat more seriously than Jack Bauer Jack Bauer is the protagonist of the American television series 24, in which he has trained and worked in various capacities as a government agent, including US Army Delta Force, LAPD SWAT, and finally the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) Los Angeles. , the no-holds- barred hero of ``24,'' a show that has picked up 12 nominations, the most of any regular series. Now a frightening scenario has been leaked to us about tonight's ceremony (we have our sources). But we feel confident all will turn out well because Jack -- who would cut his mother's eye out if he thought she was a traitor -- is on the case. The following takes place between 5 and 8 p.m. 5:00:01: Jack Bauer's black SUV brakes sharply before the Shrine. He snaps open his cell phone: ``Chloe, set up a perimeter. No one comes in or out. And download the entire audience seating assignment onto my PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) A handheld computer for managing contacts, appointments and tasks. It typically includes a name and address database, calendar, to-do list and note taker, which are the functions in a personal information manager (see PIM). .'' ``I'm on it, Jack,'' Chloe pouts petulantly pet·u·lant adj. 1. Unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered; peevish. 2. Contemptuous in speech or behavior. [Latin petul . Bauer, knocking out a security guard and sneaking through a side door even though he's been granted full security clearance, peruses the instantly downloaded list of 6,300 names; immediately, his face is seized with concern. ``Chloe!'' he barks into his cell phone. ``Hugh Laurie is here!'' ``So? He's really good in `House,''' Chloe counters crankily. ``Perhaps -- but he wasn't nominated this year!'' Jack's face grows dark; behind him, an ominous figure shadows Bauer. 5:18:30: As host Conan O'Brien concludes his opening monologue, which shows remarkable restraint in featuring only three John Mark Karr John Mark Karr (born December 11, 1964 in Conyers, Georgia) is an American substitute teacher who made a confession, which the prosecution did not believe[1] regarding the unsolved murder of six-year-old JonBenét Ramsey. jokes and two Charlie Sheen gags, Bauer creeps up behind Laurie's assigned seat. He leaps over three rows, grabs the man in a headlock and pummels him senseless. He turns the man's bloodied face toward him. ``This isn't Laurie!'' Bauer bleats. ``It's a seat filler, moron mo·ron n. A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. ,'' Mariska Hargitay stammers, taken aback. ``I saw him go backstage.'' ``Backstage?'' Bauer cries, grabbing his cell phone. ``Chloe! Set up a perimeter around the green room!'' 5:27:25: Bauer, gun drawn, lurks backstage as Alan Alda leaves the podium after accepting the Emmy for outstanding supporting actor in a drama. Bauer gratuitously cold-cocks Alda with his gun butt, does a tuck-and-roll, then lurches into the green room, where Laurie sips a cup of tea. Jack shoots him in the thigh, grabs him by his tux lapels. ``What are you doing here?'' he demands. ``Dude, dial it back; take a Zoloft,'' Denis Denis, king of Portugal: see Diniz. Leary, also lounging in the green room, drawls sardonically. ``He's a presenter.'' Bauer snaps open his cell phone. ``Chloe, we've been sent on a wild-goose chase. Get me the coordinates for best-comedy-actress snubs Lauren Graham, Marcia Cross and Mary-Louise Parker. They have the means, and they have the motive -- well, at least they have the motive. They must be behind this.'' He sheepishly sheep·ish adj. 1. Embarrassed, as by consciousness of a fault: a sheepish grin. 2. Meek or stupid. sheep turns to Laurie: ``Uh, sorry about that.'' ``No worries,'' Laurie says. ``I have to limp on my show; now, I won't have to act.'' ``Jack -- Graham and Cross are both in Temecula,'' Chloe responds irritably. ``Parker -- well, her character sells pot. Do you really expect her to have the gumption to protest when she's already won an Emmy and two Golden Globes?'' 5:35:59: Bending the rules of physics, Jack speeds up to a Temecula address and, gun drawn, kicks down the door and begins shooting. ``What are you doing?'' Graham demands, emerging from the kitchen with a bag of microwave popcorn. ``I'll ask the questions here,'' Bauer barks. ``What do you know about the plot to attack the Emmys?'' ``No one can hurt the Emmys any more than the voting body already has,'' Graham retorts. ``Don't get smart with me,'' Bauer says, grabbing her roughly. ``Why'd you establish such a remote base of operations Noun 1. base of operations - installation from which a military force initiates operations; "the attack wiped out our forward bases" base air base, air station - a base for military aircraft army base - a large base of operations for an army ?'' ``These people you just killed were my only friends with an East Coast feed of the Emmys, you jerk,'' she replies, then brightens when glancing at the TV. ``Oh, look: `The Colbert Report' won for best writing for a variety series!'' ``Chloe, we've been set up!'' Jack yelps into his cell phone. He looks darkly at his image in a two-way mirror; on the other side, a shadowy figure monitors his movements. 6:22:15: As lucky as Jack was with traffic on his drive to Temecula, he's equally unlucky on the way back to the Shrine: The on-ramp from Interstate 15 to the 10 is the site of a major pileup. Nothing is moving as rescue vehicles arrive. Jack looks at his watch. His face darkens. He flips opens his phone and calls for a chopper to evacuate him. 6:40:30: Jack climbs onto a rope ladder dangled from the copter cop·ter n. Informal A helicopter. , which lifts him high above the accident. 6:46:47: Back at the Shrine, Ellen Burstyn's acceptance speech for outstanding supporting actress in a TV movie is longer than her bravura bra·vu·ra n. 1. Music a. Brilliant technique or style in performance. b. A piece or passage that emphasizes a performer's virtuosity. 2. A showy manner or display. adj. 1. 15-second turn in ``Mrs. Harris.'' 6:52:00: As he swings through the air above L.A., Jack wonders if he should have charged his cell phone. 6:57:22: Just as Jack bursts back into the Shrine, an explosion erupts onstage during a musical tribute to '80s-sitcom hairstyles. William Shatner, Meredith Baxter and host O'Brien perish in the blast. Jack flips open his cell phone: ``Chloe, contact the director; tell him the dead-celebrity montage needs to be updated.'' His face darkens. 7:03:16: As order is restored, Jack orders Jane Kaczmarek to take over as emcee. Her extemporaneous ex·tem·po·ra·ne·ous adj. 1. Carried out or performed with little or no preparation; impromptu: an extemporaneous piano recital. 2. Mel Gibson one-liners get huge laughs; her Hurricane Katrina jokes are considered a bit dated. 7:18:18: Jack, realizing he's overlooking a crucial clue, tries to call Chloe, but his cell-phone battery is dead. ``Damn!'' he says, ``I knew I should've recharged this thing at some point in the past five years!'' A dark expression clouds his face; he sets off in search of a pay phone. 7:41:05: Bauer finally locates a pay phone outside the nearby car dealership shrouded by a giant Felix the Cat This article is about the cartoon character. For the video game, see Felix the Cat (video game).  Felix the Cat is a cartoon character from the silent-film era. statue and calls Chloe. ``What Emmys have yet to be distributed?'' he demands. As she recalcitrantly recites the list, Jack's eyes widen; he abruptly stops her. ``Chloe,'' he gravely intones, ``there's a mole inside CTU CTU Colorado Technical University CTU Czech Technical University in Prague CTU Counter Terrorist Unit CTU Clinical Trials Unit CTU Catholic Theological Union CTU Chicago Teachers Union CTU Computer Training Unit CTU Control Unit !'' He drops the phone and runs, gun drawn, back to the Shrine, shooting a number of journalists inside the press tent along the way, just in case. 7:46:47: Just as Kaczmarek is about to introduce the presenter for outstanding actor in a drama series, Bauer tackles her and grabs the envelope. ``You!'' he shouts, training his gun on a figure lurking in the shadows, sporting a cummerbund cum·mer·bund n. A broad sash, especially one that is pleated lengthwise and worn as an article of formal dress, as with a dinner jacket. [Hindi kamarband, from Persian : kamar, waist over a hoodie hoodie hood n (top) → sweat m à capuche; (youth) → jeune m à capuche sweater. ``Don't move!'' The figure skulks onto the stage; Jack tackles him, wrestling the hood from his head, revealing ... Kiefer Sutherland. ``You don't understand!'' Sutherland bellows. ``I've been nominated five years in a row and have nothing to show for it! I knew I wouldn't win if Hugh Laurie was nominated! ``So I called Chloe, impersonating you, and asked her to download the Emmy mainframe into my PDA,'' the anguished Sutherland continues. ``All my acting on that show is shouting into cell phones, shooting people in the thigh and responding to depressing information with a dark expression! ``I manipulated votes -- so what?'' Sutherland adds. ``So Kevin James gets a nod; so seven lead actresses from canceled shows get nominated; so that lame `Will & Grace' gets 10 nominations! That's a small price to pay to ensure my own corporeal Possessing a physical nature; having an objective, tangible existence; being capable of perception by touch and sight. Under Common Law, corporeal hereditaments are physical objects encompassed in land, including the land itself and any tangible object on it, that can be glory!'' ``You're insane,'' hisses Bauer. ``Chloe knows you better than anyone, and I convinced her I was you,'' Sutherland responds. ``That should be worth an Emmy, right?'' 7:57:01: ``24'' is named outstanding drama series. Bauer himself addresses the audience: ``I'd like to thank those who couldn't be here tonight,'' he says, his visage darkening dark·en v. dark·ened, dark·en·ing, dark·ens v.tr. 1. a. To make dark or darker. b. To give a darker hue to. 2. To fill with sadness; make gloomy. 3. ; he realizes -- he's now one of them. David Kronke, (818) 713-3638 david.kronke(at)dailynews.com THE 58th ANNUAL EMMY AWARDS What: Conan O'Brien hosts TV's tribute to itself. Where: NBC NBC in full National Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. commercial broadcasting company. It was formed in 1926 by RCA Corp., General Electric Co. (GE), and Westinghouse and was the first U.S. company to operate a broadcast network. (channel 4). When: 8 tonight (tape delayed). CAPTION(S): 7 photos Photo: (1 -- cover -- color) `24' has one night. Can Jack protect the Emmys? (2 -- 4) no caption (Kiefer Sutherland) (5) no caption (Lauren Graham) (6) no caption (Mary Lynn Rajskub Mary Lynn Rajskub (sometimes credited as Marylynn Rajskub) (pronounced "RICE-cub" or in IPA: ['raɪskʌb]) (born June 22 1971) is an American actress, artist, and comedienne of Czech descent. ) (7) no caption (Emmy award) |
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