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: The Impostor; William Hague's claim that he used to drink 14 pints of bitter a day caused plenty of laughter and disbelief. Posing as a pint-pulling publican, our Impostor phoned the Tory Party HQ to challenge him to a drinking contest.


Good morning, William William, crown prince of Germany
William or Frederick William, 1882–1951, crown prince of Germany, son of William II. In World War I he commanded (1914) an army on the Western Front and was nominal commander in the German attack
 Hague's office.

'Ey oop, lass. John Smith 'ere. I run t'Ferret and Firkin fir·kin  
n.
1. A small wooden barrel or covered vessel.

2. Any of several British units of capacity, usually equal to about 1/4 of a barrel or 9 gallons (34 liters).
 in Barnsley.

Mmm, but this is Conservative Central Office. Have you dialled correctly?

'Appen I were lookin' for young Billy Fizz.

I beg your pardon pardon, in law, exemption from punishment for a criminal conviction granted by the grace of the executive of a government. A general pardon to a class of persons guilty of the same offense (e.g., insurrection) is an amnesty. ?

Y'know, your boss, Billy the Pop.

I'm sure I have no idea to whom you are referring.

It's William 'ague ahm on about.

Are you indeed.

Ay, and we were woonderin', laak, if 'e'd take part in t'beer festival competition. There's plenty of ale, tell 'im.

I'm afraid Mr Hague is on holiday.

Knockin' 'em back, I'll be bound. But t'competition's in September, lass. So 'e can still coom up, no problem.

You will have to make a formal request, I'm afraid.

Oooh, 'e weren't sooch a stickler stick·ler  
n.
1. One who insists on something unyieldingly: a stickler for neatness.

2. Something puzzling or difficult.
 for t'rules and regulations when 'e woor a lad.

I can't comment on that Mr...

Smith. As in John Smith's bitter. Young Billy used to sup 14 pints, y'know.

Yes, well, if he says that's how many he drank, I believe him.

Course 'e did, lass. That's why I reckon reck·on  
v. reck·oned, reck·on·ing, reck·ons

v.tr.
1. To count or compute: reckon the cost. See Synonyms at calculate.

2.
 t'lad could win t'competition. They say Tony Blair Noun 1. Tony Blair - British statesman who became prime minister in 1997 (born in 1953)
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, Blair
 is t'man of t'people but I know it's really Mr 'ague. 'e gets my vote.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the odd pint pint: see English units of measurement.  of beer.

Or the odd 14? The most any lad 'as drank in t'contest is 12, which is no problem fer young Billy. 'E'll be t'local 'ero 'e will.

I don't know Don't know (DK, DKed)

"Don't know the trade." A Street expression used whenever one party lacks knowledge of a trade or receives conflicting instructions from the other party.
 what his diary looks like for September.

Tell 'im that if 'e can't manage 14, we'll water t'ale down with some lemonade or 'ague pop.

That would be defeating the object, wouldn't it?

There's noothin' wrong wiv a bit of spin, is there, lass? 'E duz it all t'time.

Look, I really don't think your idea is going to appeal to Mr Hague.

By gum, why not? I think I'll put out t'adverts now.

No, no, no. You can't tell everyone that he's going to be there unless you've had confirmation from him.

Not even "soobject to availability".

No, you can't! Definitely not!

Can I tell t'lads I spawk to you, then?

You can tell them you rang Central Office, but that's all.

And that 'e might coom...

Look, I'm not arguing with you about this, sir. I've told you several times Mr Hague is on holiday.

Would you laak to coom instead, as 'is representative, laak? Can you sup ale?

No, no. Neither I nor Mr Hague would want to do that, thankyou very much. Good day to you sir. (Click).
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 19, 2000
Words:426
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