'YOU'RE FIRED' AROUND LONG BEFORE THE DONALD.

Byline: Stephanie Becker

IN the heat of a good argument, my mother's favorite retort is, ``I wish I had a quarter for every time you said (fill in the blank).'' If I'm losing, I usually slam down a couple of quarters, which is a move that I come to regret on laundry day.

Now the reconstituted TV icon Donald Trump is taking a cue from my mom.

The billionaire-turned-TV-star is filing papers to trademark his show's famous last words, ``You're fired!'' The Donald (a name coined by his first ex-wife, who didn't trademark it) hopes to convince the folks who dole out the little TMs that this commonest of phrases is so quintessentially him that he should own it.

This could be good news for those teetering on the edge of unemployment. Bosses fearing a lawsuit may be hesitant to unload unnecessary employees with a legally protected phrase. Of course, there will be freebie alternatives like ``Go away!'' or ``We aren't going to pay you anymore!'' or ``Everyone who works here stand up!'' No doubt Republicans will be griping about choices like ``You've been downsized!'' or ``You're being outsourced.'' But, nothing quite says ``you're fired'' like ``you're fired.''

This trademark gig is a remarkable moneymaker. Take Michael Buffer. While you may not know the name of this announcer, you sure know the five words that make him about $50 million a year. ``Let's get ready to rumbaaaaaa!'' OK, the last word in the phrase is rumble, but I was afraid that if I wrote correctly I'd have to sell my Imclone stock to cover the legal costs. Anyone using that expression without his permission, POW! BAM! BOOM! here comes a lawsuit. At one time, Buffer, who makes as much as $30,000 a pop just to utter his famous slogan in his famous announcer voice, had 100 lawsuits going.

So now I want in. I'm going to trademark some lines that have come to define my existence. I want protected status for the following phrases that have become my signature slogans: ``Bite Me'' and ``I am not premenstrual!''

I know that last one probably threw you for a loop given this age of nipple ring revulsion and Howard Stern und drang. But why should the FCC be the only ones making money off the other PMS - potty mouth syndrome? The FCC is making broadcasters put their money where their mouth is, charging $27,500 per obscenity. So, why shouldn't I get a bite of that too?

But I guess our Washington has no appetite to deal with some of the more weighty problems of the world, like war and terrorism and the astonishing price of gas. But, if this is the best our leaders can do, all I can say (until it'll cost me) is: You're fired.

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Billionaire Donald Trump feels that he's uttered ``You're fired'' often enough that he should be able to trademark the phrase.