'THEY NEST,' BUT DON'T REALLY SCARE ANYONE.

Byline: David Kronke TV Critic

Look, I understand that cable TV movies operate under a lot of constraints. I realize that although the filmmakers would like to wow us with special effects and thrilling action sequences, financial realities prohibit that.

But if you're going to make a movie about killer bugs, the last thing you need is a full hour of dreary exposition, a stultifying 60 minutes before the bugs start manifesting the power of their macabre mandibles and then, on top of that, another 15 minutes before seeing anything resembling a money shot.

But that's the story of ``They Nest,'' in which a swarm of killer cockroaches menaces a remote island off the coast of Maine (think Hitchcock's ``The Birds,'' only with zip tension and dumber characters).

Recovering alcoholic doctor Ben Cahill (Thomas Calabro) heads to said island to settle his nerves, which proves to be impossible when there's an incompetent drunk (John Savage) - no, he's not incompetent about his drinking, he's incompetent in his running of the island's electric company - who irrationally decides he wants Ben dead. And then there are those cockroaches tumbling out of his roaster in the fridge.

All told, life's pretty miserable for poor Ben. But pity him not - there's the requisite town cutie (Kristen Dalton), who seems to have half the jobs on the island for as often as Ben runs into her. (And, yes, she'll eventually be threatened, albeit in a minor fashion, by the beasties while luxuriating in a bubble bath.)

Performances are worse than usual for material of this ilk: Thespians flail with hysterical histrionics as they're beset by computer-generated pests, and narrative logic is kept to a minimum. All of which could be forgiven somewhat if ``They Nest'' ladled on the quease-inducing bugs in generous dollops. Instead, copious amounts of tedious plot building couple with the filmmakers' skimping on gross-out effects to suggest that the title would really be more accurate, in all senses of the word, were it changed to ``They Bite.''

``Sammy'' is the sort of vanity project to which only really vain people would aspire. David Spade created, executive-produced and lends his voice to this lamely animated time-waster about a young and vacuous Hollywood star and his ne'er-do-well father (Spade plays both), who shows up at the height of his son's fame to muck things up and aspire to unconvincing mock poignancy. Since the dad ducked out years ago, there's no reason for the kid to accept the old codger back into the fold except for the fact that there would be no show otherwise. Sorry, that's not a good enough reason.

This ``comedy'' is virtually laugh-free save for a few jabs at the entertainment industry's expense - and we all know how well those went over on the infinitely smarter ``Action.'' ``Sammy'' manages to squander the talents of three of Hollywood's funniest talents: ``Mr. Show's'' Bob Oedenkirk, comedian Harland Williams and ``NewsRadio's'' Andy Dick.

Spade based the premise on his real life; comic Christopher Titus's ``Titus'' explores his own family's dysfunction with infinitely more wit and insight. At least Spade has some pricey home movies with which to impress future dates.

The Facts

--The show: ``They Nest.''

--What: Killer bug thriller.

--The stars: Thomas Calabro, Dean Stockwell, Kristen Dalton, John Savage.

--Where: USA Network.

--When: 8 tonight.

--Our rating: one and one- half stars

--The show: ``Sammy.''

--What: Animated comedy about a deadbeat dad and his famous son.

--The stars: David Spade, Bob Oedenkirk, Harland Williams, Andy Dick.

--Where: NBC (Channel 4).

--When: 8:30 p.m. Tuesdays.

--Our rating: one star

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Photo: Thomas Calabro stars as doctor who visits a remote island, only to encounter killer cockroaches in ``They Nest.''