'Don't tell people what to do!'.

Speaking without notes, from the front of the Regent Theatre stage and with the house lights on so she could see her audience, former prison manager and author Celia Lashlie affirmed the work of Plunker and presented some real life scenarios from her work at Christchurch Women's Prison.

"Women in prison want the best for their children. They are not looking to others to fix their lives; they want affirmation, to tell their stories and be listened to," she said.

Author of the best-selling books The Journey to prison: who goes and why? and He'll be okay: growing gorgeous boys into good men, Lashlie told the story of a Pakeha woman about to begin her third prison sentence and seemingly indifferent to that fact. When Lashlie challenged her about the inevitability of her 18-month-old grandchild eventually going to prison too, the woman realised that was something she really wished to prevent.

"The woman went on to tell her story of drug dealing from a very early age and childhood sexual abuse in a production put on by the women of the prison for the Christchurch public. Knowing her history, it was little wonder this woman was so belligerent and had such a hard edge. Taking part in the production was a turning point in her life. She was given a hard time about it by some of the other inmates, but she did this for her grandchildren.

"We need to come alongside these women. So many agencies stand in front of them and tell them what to do. We don't know what is best for them and there is no programme that will fix them; they know what is best for them. Our job is to ask what they want for their children. When people are allowed to make their own way to their own destinies, then things will change." In another story, Lashlie described a 19-year-old woman in prison for murder. "She came to my office to ask me why I was resigning from Christchurch Women's Prison, but I sensed she wanted to tell me something. Eventually she told me her mother had given her away at birth and that, when she was 11, this mother had also said it would have been better if she [her daughter] had never been born. I was unsure how to respond but I said, very quietly, 'It's not fair; no-one should have to hear those words'.

Standing in the 30-second moment

"My sense was that I had got it right. I had a 30-second opportunity to get it right, to be present with this woman, to listen to her story and avoid the temptation of telling her what to do. This woman began a journey at that moment. She went to an anger management programme and began to change her life. What I did was to step into her circle and to see the moment from her point of view. If we do nothing else but stand in the 30-second moments with the people we meet, to be fully present with them, then the world will shift. Sometimes we will get it wrong and we should be able to recognise that."

Lashlie's message to the Plunket nurses and volunteers was that they should continue what they were doing and become aware of the 30-second moments. She described Plunket as a powerful organisation but she regretted that government contracting restraints prevented it from realising its potential

"I'm a pragmatist. When you only have a 15-minute visit, you cannot do what you have the ability to do. If people were free to do whatever they could do, we would not have two-year-olds being shot while sleeping on couches. You need to trust your gut instinct, but unfortunately gut knowledge and instinct can't be quantified. If you were given the freedom to follow your gut instincts, maybe New Zealand would not have the fourth highest child abuse statistics among OECD countries. New Zealand is not a paradise. If it was, we would not have such statistics.

"The solution is so simple and you know what it is, for you are part of the solution. We need vii[ages to raise our children. You get into homes that no-one else will get into. You are at the coal face and you can have an impact. I hope you will be re-energised for the work you do, but remember your gut instinct and rely on it. Look out for those 30-second moments, listen to people and answer their questions with integrity. All they want is the recognition that you know they want the best for their babies and that you are there to help them achieve that. One day, perhaps, the abused woman will find the strength to tell her abuser to leave." To be effective, nurses needed to understand themselves and the biases they carried. With this self-knowledge they would be able to stand alongside others, Lashlie said.