'ADAPTATION' BLOOMS LIKE THE ORCHIDS IT PRIZES.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

IN THE oh-so-clever ``Adaptation,'' we meet screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, a neurotic man who makes Woody Allen look like a tower of confidence. In an opening voice-over, Kaufman (Nicolas Cage in a return to acting) worries about being fat, bald, bland and untalented. And that's just the character issues.

What really makes Kaufman sweat is his agonizing attempts to turn a book called ``The Orchid Thief'' into a movie that somehow works and remains faithful to the author's words. It's impossible, and Kaufman's task is made all the more difficult by the presence of his twin brother, Donald (also Cage, delightfully loose), a happy-go-lucky dolt unburdened by all the self-doubt and self-loathing that plague Charlie.

If you've heard of Charlie Kaufman, it's probably because you saw ``Being John Malkovich,'' the fun-house ride that was his first produced screenplay. ``Adaptation'' picks up where ``Malkovich'' left off; both movies are exuberantly directed by Spike Jonze, and ``Adaptation'' sports several priceless cameos from ``Malkovich'' cast members. ``Adaptation'' also picks up where ``Malkovich'' left off in terms of its relentlessly loopy inquiry into what it means to be human and the difficulties most of us have in conforming and finding something outside of ourselves that makes us happy.

As clueless as Donald is, he has adapted. He loves life, and life returns the favor. That's not the case for Susan Orlean (Meryl Streep, proving again she has comic chops, too), the woman who wrote ``The Orchid Thief.'' In flashbacks (the movie giddily hops back and forth in time, at one point going back a good 4 million years to show the evolution of Florida), we see her meeting John Laroche (Chris Cooper), the flamboyant and nearly toothless orchid breeder/poacher who was to become the subject of her book.

Laroche is another adapter. His passion for flowers infects Orlean (and Jonze, too; you'll never look at orchids the same way again), not so much because she's interested in orchids but because she's looking for something - anything - in her life that inspires the same kind of fervor. Meanwhile (back in the present), Charlie Kaufman fixates on Orlean, captivated by the passion in her book.

With its deft blending of fact (Charlie Kaufman, Orlean, Laroche and screenwriting expert Robert McKee are based on real people to varying degrees) and fiction (doofus Donald Kaufman is a creation), ``Adaptation'' is a surreal Mobius strip of a movie that never runs out of inventive ideas and unbridled enthusiasm for its subjects. Kaufman (Charlie, that is) is a one-of-a-kind screenwriter, a man who can turn writer's block into a smart, witty discourse on humanity's longing for meaning, and Jonze is a perfect collaborator, never letting all the cleverness become precious or selndulgent.

It's not surprising that a movie with this many ideas eventually collapses under the weight of its ambitions. When McKee (played by Brian Cox as a roaring bear and bore of a man) advises Charlie that every movie must have a conflict and a bang-up third act or risk ``boring the audience to tears,'' the movie shifts into overdrive, providing just such a resolution.

At first it seems the boys are just having more good fun with McKee's principles of screenwriting, but, no, they're after bigger game, with Donald turning into a Gump-like sage, telling Charlie, ``You are what you love.'' Whatever. The blubbering 30-minute finale is at odds with the previous hour and a half of irony, and the jarring gear shift doesn't work. We've simply spent too much time detachedly viewing these fanciful creations to muster up the energy, when asked, to care.

But that shouldn't put ``Adaptation'' off your required viewing list. Movies this ingenious are to be treasured, and spending a couple of hours inside Charlie Kaufman's brain will reward anyone who has the faintest passion for film. Here's hoping he - and Donald - cop an Oscar nomination.

ADAPTATION - Three stars

(R: language, sexuality, some drug use, violent images)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper.

Director: Spike Jonze.

Running time: 1 hr., 54 min.

Playing: AMC Century 14 in Century City; Pacific's Grove Stadium 14 in Beverly Hills; Mann Criterion 6 in Santa Monica.

In a nutshell: And you thought ``Being John Malkovich'' was weird ...