$600 SIGN UP BONUS.

Andy Ward at the European Poker Open WARNING: This post contains spoilers of European Poker Open shows that will be on your screens this month. Look away now if you don't want to see them!

If it's not too late, anyway! I've already seen them (semi-final and final) and they both make me look like a dork.

Partly because I have this habit of swaying back and forward in my chair like a six-year-old, but mostly because of the way the poker hands look.

Basically, twice in each show, I ran my terrible cards into JJ+, which never looks good.

I know myself that all the plays were standard (albeit one or two were a bit thin) and I guarantee you that in spots where commentators wanted me to fold to re-raises, that would have been ridiculously exploitable, and there were definitely players on each table (Neil Channing for a start) capable of exploiting.

And as we know, 90% of the moves that get through end up on the cutting room floor.

But I knew all that before I saw the DVD. What surprises me now is how rattled I look at one point in the final.

I remember feeling a little off balance but certainly not as much as I look on screen.

The overall impression is of someone with a very one-dimensional "shove and hope" game, but you know what, maybe that's not a mile off.

I was wondering this evening, while spinning a few turbo tournaments, whether too much short-stack online tournament play inhibits my development as a player.

Luckily I soon pulled myself together and came up with the correct answer - so do I have to give any of the money back? No.

Poker is not a sport, it's not about being on TV and it's not about being a face on the circuit. It's about getting the money.

To get the money, you find bad players and you play lots of hands against them.

Find worse players than you and play a ton of hands against them.

I know what my hourly rate is and I know how few people in poker can match it, and in live poker, how very, very, very, few can.

And if the style of play required to do what I do is considered one-dimensional, hell if it IS one-dimensional, then so much the better, because that makes it easier and so I can do it listening to music.

If I want to expand my brain I can use my considerable free time to go and take a philosophy course.

EVENTS Boylepoker have announced a new million dollar guaranteed tournament.

The first monthly million will take place on September 13.

Satellites are available on Boylepoker from as little as $1.10.

IPO 2009 players can earn 1,000 extra starting chips by building up 250 VIP points this month on Boylepoker. See www.boylepoker.com for more details.

The password for this week's Daily Mirror Freeroll on Boylepoker.com at 8pm tonight is millions.