"Real" "art": or "Mr. Grumpy goes to an art museum and comes out belaboring the obvious!".SEATTLE'S HENRY ART GALLERY IS A TYPICALLY CONFUSING CONCRETE LUMP, HOUSING EQUALLY INCOHERENT ART WORK ... LIKE MANY SUCH ARTS INSTITUTIONS, THE HENRY IS BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY ATTACHED TO A PUBLIC UNIVERSITY, THUS BLURRING IT'S MISSION WITH THAT OF "HIGHER EDUCATION higher education Study beyond the level of secondary education. Institutions of higher education include not only colleges and universities but also professional schools in such fields as law, theology, medicine, business, music, and art. " ... ON A RECENT VISIT, I HAD THE MISFORTUNE BY THE "PLAYFUL" FURNITURE DESIGNER ROY MCMAKIN ... THIS PILE OF FURNITURE IS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS nauseous /nau·seous/ (naw´shus) pertaining to or producing nausea. nau·seous adj. 1. Causing nausea. 2. Affected with nausea. ... * WHY IS IT EVEN HERE? * THE BROCHURE DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT ... * [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] * ACTUAL OVERHEARD QUOTES ALSO AT THE HENRY WAS AN EXHIBIT HONORING THE CHOREOGRAPHER TRICIA BROWN, WHOSE PERFORMANCE ART TYPIFIED THE EYE-ROLL-INDUCING SELF-INDULGENCE THAT HAS DOMINATED THE FINE ART WORLD SINCE THE 19605 ... WATCHING AN OLD FILM OF MS. BROWN PRANCING ABOUT WITH A PROJECTOR STRAPPED TO HER BACK MAKES ONE WONDER IF THIS IS WHAT HER FOLKS HAD IN MIND WHEN THEY ENROLLED HER IN TAP LESSONS ... THEN AGAIN SHE DID BUILD A CAREER OUT OF THIS NONSENSE! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] AS IF TO ILLUSTRATE HOW NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THIS EXHIBIT ALSO FEATURED ANOTHER UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS VIDEO LOOP BY ONE OF TRICIA'S ATTENTION-STARVED PROGENY, WHOSE MOTIONLESS STARE WOULD OCCASIONALLY BE PUNCTUATED BY SUDDEN GESTURES LIKE BARING HER CLAWS, OR POINTING AT THE WALL BEHIND HER ... THE CARD SAID THIS "PIECE" IS ON LOAN FROM SOMEONE'S PRIVATE COLLECTION ... HAW! SOMEBODY OWNS THIS THING? DO THEY LEAVE IT RUNNING IN THEIR HOME ALL DAY?! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] AS A FORMER N.Y.C. PRESIDENT, ART SCHOOL DROPOUT (1) On magnetic media, a bit that has lost its strength due to a surface defect or recording malfunction. If the bit is in an audio or video file, it might be detected by the error correction circuitry and either corrected or not, but if not, it is often not noticed by the human , AND PRACTITIONER OF WHAT USED TO BE THE LEAST RESPECTED ART FORM OF ALL (COMIC BOOKS), MY FEELINGS TOWARD THE CONTEMPORARY FINE ART WORLD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A MIX OF BEMUSEMENT be·muse tr.v. be·mused, be·mus·ing, be·mus·es 1. To cause to be bewildered; confuse. See Synonyms at daze. 2. To cause to be engrossed in thought. , RESENTMENT AND CONTEMPT. SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ART? ?!? WHAT "ART"? --OH THE ART! WHY, IT'S FABULOUS DAHLINK! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] 95% OF WHAT THEY'RE HYPING IS PURE CRAP, YET IF YOU DARE TO SAY AS MUCH OUT LOUD YOU'LL BE LOOKED UPON AS A CLUELESS clue·less adj. Lacking understanding or knowledge. clueless Adjective Slang helpless or stupid Adj. 1. PHILISTINE! ANOTHER THING THAT ALWAYS KILLED ME IS THOSE CARDS ACCOMPANYING EACH PIECE, EXPLAINING WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT IN THE MOST VAGUE, POMPOUS, AND CONDESCENDING COLLEGE-THESIS TERMINOLOGY IMAGINABLE ... ..." THIS PORTRAIT BY CATHERINE OPIE Catherine Opie (born 1961) is an North American artist specializing in the photography of transgendered people. Most recently, she has turned to photographing architectural spaces (skyways and urban spaces) as well as landscapes (icehouses and surfers in the ocean). BLURS ALL OUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT RACE, GENDER, + BODY ADORNMENT ..." ?! IT DOES? ... WAIT A MINUTE--NO, IT DOESN'T WHY DO THEY HAVE THESE? WHAT PURPOSE DO THEY SERVE? DO THEY THINK WE'RE ALL RETARDED? [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE SAME CARDS OFTEN CHALLENGE US TO 'RE-EXAMINE" OUR "ATTITUDES" WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY URGING US TO "DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS" ABOUT THE WORK ... OH, HOW SAD ... HAW! BUT DO THE CURATORS REALLY BELIEVE THAT ANY CONCLUSION IS AN ACCEPTABLE ONE? [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THE MERE CONTEXT OF A LARGE, STERILE MUSEUM OR GALLERY GIVES ANYTHING THEY CHOOSE TO DISPLAY AN EXAGGERATED SENSE OF IMPORTANCE. IT BECOMES "ART" SIMPLY BY BEING THERE! LOOK! A REPLICA OF DUCHAMP'S IMFAMOUS URINAL urinal /uri·nal/ (u?ri-n'l) a receptacle for urine. u·ri·nal n. A vessel into which urine is passed. ! SUCH A BOLD STATEMENT! WHAT VISION THAT MAN HAD! ?!? WHAT'S THAT STUPID THING DOING HERE? MARCEL DUCHAMP MADE THIS POINT A CENTURY AGO WHEN HE ENTERED A URINAL IN AN OPEN ART EXHIBIT, BUT SINCE THEN HIS PRANK HAS BECOME THE BASIS OF AN ENTIRE RACKET! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THE FINE WORLD CLAIMS THAT THEY VALUE IDEAS, YET THEY TEND TO CONSIDER TRADITIONAL CRAFTSMANSHIP TO BE ANTITHETICAL an·ti·thet·i·cal also an·ti·thet·ic adj. 1. Of, relating to, or marked by antithesis. 2. Being in diametrical opposition. See Synonyms at opposite. TO COMMUNICATING "NEW IDEAS ..." OH DEAR, NOT ANOTHER MONSTROSITY monstrosity 1. great congenital deformity. 2. a monster or teratism. BY THAT BARBARIAN, ROBERT WILLIAMS ... SOMEONE SHOULD HANG HIM INSTEAD OF HIS "PAINTINGS"! TO THEM, AN ARTIST WHO CAN SKILLFULLY PAINT REPRESENTATIONAL IMAGES ISN'T REALLY A "PAINTER" AT ALL, BUT A MERE "ILLUSTRATOR ..." [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THIS AVERSION TO CRAFTSMANSHIP IS THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF THE FRAGILE, EASILY DEBUNKED AESTHETIC THAT THE FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT DESPERATELY CLINGS TO ... CLAY, YOU HAVE A FLAIR FOR DECORATING ... WHERE DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HANG MY NORMAN ROCKWELL PRINT? "NORMAN ROCKWELL"? UGH! MIGHT I SUGGEST THE BATHROOM? AS IS CASE WITH ALL SELF-APPOINTED ARBITERS OF TASTE, THEY FEEL COMPELLED TO DENIGRATE den·i·grate tr.v. den·i·grat·ed, den·i·grat·ing, den·i·grates 1. To attack the character or reputation of; speak ill of; defame. 2. ANYTHING THAT THE AVERAGE SCHMUCK schmuck also shmuck n. Slang A clumsy or stupid person; an oaf. [Yiddish shmok, penis, fool, probably from Polish smok, serpent, tail.] Noun 1. CAN RECOGNIZE AS QUALITY WORK. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THIS SAME "FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT" IS ALSO LOCKED IN AN ENDLESS CULTURE WAR WITH AMERICA'S TRADITIONAL MAINSTREAM VALUES ... YOUR GODLESS god·less adj. 1. Recognizing or worshiping no god. 2. Wicked, impious, or immoral. god  less·ly adv. "ART GALLERY" SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THIS
COMMUNITY!
OH YEAH? WELL, I HEREBY BAN GOD FROM MY GALLERY! THEY SEE THEMSELVES AS WAGING A WAR AGAINST CULTURAL OPPRESSION, AND IN A SENSE THEY'RE RIGHT, IF YOU OVERLOOK THE FACT THAT THEIR OWN VALUES ARE JUST AS ORTHODOX AS THEIR ENEMIES! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THIS CULTURAL WAR CAME TO A NOISY HEAD IN THE LATE '80S WHEN ARCH-CONSERVATIVE SENATOR JESSE HELMS MADE A BIG STINK OVER THE FEDERAL FUNDING OF A PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT FEATURING THE HOMOEROTIC ho·mo·e·rot·ic adj. 1. Of or concerning homosexual love and desire. 2. Tending to arouse such desire. Adj. 1. WORK OF ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE, AS WELL AS ANDREAS SERRANO'S NOTORIOUS "PISS CHRIST ..." NO DISTINCTION WAS MADE IN THIS DEBATE OVER THE QUALITY OF THESE WORKS, THUS FOREVER LINKING MAPPLETHORPE'S EXCELLENT (AND COMMERCIALLY SUCCESSFUL) PHOTOS WITH SERRANO'S WITLESS wit·less adj. Lacking intelligence or wit; foolish. wit less·ly adv.wit , JUVENILE PRANK IN THE PUBLIC'S MIND. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THE N.E.A.'S LOST THAT PARTICULAR BATTLE, AND DESERVEDLY SO, SINCE OFFENDING AND INSULTING PEOPLE IS ONE THING, BUT BILLING THEM FOR IT IS REALLY PUSHING IT. LIKE, DUH! ... IF SOME LITTLE OLD LADY IS ALLOWED TO LIMIT THE FREE EXPRESSION OF AN IMPORTANT ARTIST LIKE SERRANO, WHY, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT NO ONE WILL BE PERMITTED TO PHOTOGRAPH ANYTHING! IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE 'slippery slope' Medical ethics An ethical continuum or 'slope,' the impact of which has been incompletely explored, and which itself raises moral questions that are even more on the ethical 'edge' than the original issue ! THEN AGAIN, ALL THE OUTRAGE DIRECTED AT "PISS CHRIST" WAS EQUALLY ABSURD, SINCE THAT WAS PRECISELY THE REACTION IT WAS MEANT TO PROVOKE! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] SUPPORTERS OF THE N.E.A. LOVE TO MAKE THIS TIRED "FOR THE MERE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE" ARGUMENT WHEN POINTING OUT THE RELATIVE COST OF ARTS FUNDING TO THE AVERAGE TAXPAYER ... WHY, FOR EVERY DOLLAR OUR GOVERNMENT SPENDS ON THE ARTS, THEY SPEND A GAZILLION ga·zil·lion n. Informal An indefinitely large number: "The crowd cheered wildly . . . as gazillions of balloons poured down from the rafters" Tom Shales. DOLLARS ON THE PENTAGON WAR MACHINE! GOSH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY ... 'CUZ WAR IS A BAD THING TOO, RIGHT? ... WHILE BLITHELY IGNORING THE FACT THAT NO ONE EVER WENT TO JAIL FOR REFUSING TO BUY A CUP OF COFFEE! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THEN THERE'S THIS BOGUS DISTINCTION BETWEEN :DIRECT" AND "NON DIRECT" FUNDING, SINCE THE LATTER IS JUST A CLEVER WAY FOR GRANT PROVIDERS TO COVER THEIR TRACKS ... (PSST! TAKE YOUR CUT AND PASS IT ON ... HERE'S YOUR GRANT. MR. ARTIST! NOW GO CREATE! ?!? FOUR DOLLARS? AND WITH THE FEDS FUNDING STATE-RUN "ART COUNCILS" THAT THEN FUND PRIVATE ORGANIZATIONS, IT'S A BUNCH OF PAPER-PUSHING BUREAUCRATS TAKING UP THE LION'S SHARE OF OUR PRECIOUS ART FUNDING. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] TO AVOID FURTHER CONTROVERSY, THE N.E.A. NOW MOSTLY BACKS "SAFE" INSTITUTIONS LIKE SYMPHONIES AND BALLET COMPANIES, WHOSE AVERAGE TICKET PRICES, OF $50.00 BELIE be·lie tr.v. be·lied, be·ly·ing, be·lies 1. To picture falsely; misrepresent: "He spoke roughly in order to belie his air of gentility" James Joyce. THE NOTION THAT THEY'RE BRINGING "THE ARTS" TO THE UNWASHED MASSES. YOU NEED ME, DES MOINES ... GAAAH! "ZOMBIE A computer that has been covertly taken over in order to perform some nefarious task. It is estimated that millions of PCs around the world have been compromised and, under the control of a third party, routinely transmit messages unbeknownst to the user. BILL" IS BACK! CAN'T WE JUST WATCH RE RUNS OF "FRASIER" INSTEAD? AND NOW THERE ARE ALL THESE HEAVILY FUNDED SHAKESPEARE COMPANIES CURRENTLY PLAGUING THE NATION. HEAVEN FORBID A SINGLE COMMUNITY SHOULD LIVE WITHOUT THE BARD'S HOKEY hok·ey adj. hok·i·er, hok·i·est Slang 1. Mawkishly sentimental; corny. 2. Noticeably contrived; artificial. hok , UNINTELLIGIBLE UNINTELLIGIBLE. That which cannot be understood. 2. When a law, a contract, or will, is unintelligible, it has no effect whatever. Vide Construction, and the authorities there referred to. 400-YR-OLD SITUATION COMEDIES! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] PUBLIC AND PRIVATE GRANT PROVIDERS ARE NOW SO SKITTISH skit·tish adj. 1. Moving quickly and lightly; lively. 2. Restlessly active or nervous; restive. 3. Undependably variable; mercurial or fickle. 4. Shy; bashful. THAT YOU'D HARD PRESSED TO FIND ANYTHING THAT MIGHT DEEMED SCANDAL-WORTHY. AND BELIEVE ME, I TRIED! ... WE SHALL EXPLORE BODY ART, BODY ACCEPTANCE, AND SOCIETAL ACCEPTANCE OF THE NAKED HUMAN FORM ... ZZZZZZZ... THE MOST RISQUE ris·qué adj. Suggestive of or bordering on indelicacy or impropriety. [French, from past participle of risquer, to risk, from risque, risk; see risk.] Adj. ITEM I CAME ACROSS WAS SOME "NAKED FILM FESTIVAL," WHOSE MISSION IS TO ADVOCATE "NON-SEXUALIZED, FREE-RANGE NAKEDNESS." "FREE RANGE"?!? THANKS FOR MAKING NUDITY BORING, FOLKS! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE ARTS ORGANIZATIONS ALSO TEND TO THINK OF "ARTISTS" AS SOME ABSTRACT, ROMANTICIZED "OTHER--AS IF THEY WERE A RARE, DELICATE SPECIES FACING IMMINENT EXTINCTION ... OH MADONNA, UNLESS I GET A MEAGER mea·ger also mea·gre adj. 1. Deficient in quantity, fullness, or extent; scanty. 2. Deficient in richness, fertility, or vigor; feeble: the meager soil of an eroded plain. 3. GRANT FROM A FORWARD-THINKING INSTITUTION I DOUBT I'LL EVER MAKE ANOTHER FILM! AND I MAY HAVE TO RESORT TO WHORING IF THE STATE DOESN'T PROVIDE FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE TO PURSUE MY VISION. THESE FOLKS MUST'VE SEEN ONE VINCENT VINCENT Vital Information Necessary Centralized (movie, The Black Hole) VAN GOGH BIOPIC bi·o·pic n. A film or television biography, often with fictionalized episodes. biopic Noun Informal a film based on the life of a famous person [bio(graphical) + pic(ture)] TOO MANY, AND THE FACT THAT PEOPLE LIKE STEVEN SPIELBERG AND MADONNA ARE ALSO ARTISTS NEVER CROSSED THEIR MINDS! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] I CAN APPRECIATE THE FRUSTRATION THE RANK AND FILE OF THESE ORGANIZATIONS MUST FEEL. THEY'D LOVE TO BE ABLE TO STIR THINGS UP, IF ONLY THOSE UPTIGHT POLITICOS WEREN'T WATCHING THEM LIKE HAWKS! I WOULD LOVE TO SPONSOR AN EXHIBIT OF JOHN WAYNE GACY'S PAINTINGS ... BUT I'M AFRAID TO EVEN PROPOSE THE IDEA TO THE STUFFED SHIRTS I WORK FOR! YET THEIR OPINION OF WHAT CONSTITUTES GREAT ART IS SHARED BY A VERY LIMITED SEGMENT OF THE PUBLIC. IT'S JUST ANOTHER GENRE, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES Adv. 1. for all intents and purposes - in every practical sense; "to all intents and purposes the case is closed"; "the rest are for all practical purposes useless" for all practical purposes, to all intents and purposes . SO WHY SHOULD THE REST OF US BE OBLIGED TO SUBSCRIBE THEIR FAVORITE GENRE? [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] EVENTUALLY, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WILL BE CHAMPIONED AS "REAL ART" BY SOMEONE. THE BEE GEES HAVE RECENTLY BEEN IMMORTALIZED BY P.B.S. F'R CRYIN' OUT LOUD! THE ONLY WAY WE CAN KEEP SHOWING "FLEETWOOD MAC LIVE" OVER AND OVER IS WITH YOUR SUPPORT! THEY SURE ARE A LOT MORE TALENTED THAN THAT BRITNEY SPEARS, AREN'T THEY? SO HELP KEEP THE ARTS ALIVE BY PLEDGING NOW! YET THE FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT CONTINUES TO IGNORE AND MALIGN ALL CURRENT POPULAR ASPECTS OF WESTERN POP CULTURE, AS THEY KEEP TRUMPETING SELF-IMPORTANT NONSENSE THAT NOBODY WANTS OR NEEDS. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] TO BE FAIR, I DO COME ACROSS SOME AMAZING EXHIBITS FROM TIME TO TIME, LIKE THIS COLLECTION OF TEA SETS DESIGNED BY VARIOUS ARCHITECTS I SAW AT THE WEXNER CENTER IN COLUMBUS, OH ... WOW! COOL! ... ONLY WHERE'S THE SPOUT? AH, BUT NOT ONLY WERE THE INDUSTRIAL DESIGNS ON DISPLAY IN SONY'S TOKYO SHOWROOM JUST AS DAZZLING, THEY ALSO ACTUALLY WORK! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] UNIQUE AND IMAGINATIVE WORKS OF ART ARE EVERYWHERE, FOR EXAMPLE, HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MANY BEAUTIFUL NEW CARS ARE OUT ON THE STREETS THESE DAYS? WE'RE IN A GOLDEN AGE OF AUTO DESIGN! "GASP ..." THIS JAPANESE CANDY WRAPPER IS MIND-BOGGLING ... RATHER THAN TRY TO "TEACH" PEOPLE TO APPRECIATE ART HAS NO MEANING OR RELEVANCE TO THEIR LIVES, WE SHOULD INSTEAD BE MARVELING AT THE COUNTLESS INSPIRED MAN-MADE OBJECTS THAT LITERALLY SURROUND US, BOTH INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OUR OWN HOMES. SO WHO NEEDS MODERN ART MUSEUMS?!? [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] PETER BAGGE, 2004 (PETERBAGGE@EARTHLINK.NET) |
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