"Don't tell me no; I tell you no!": Facilitating self-control in infants and toddlers.

A mom with her 20-month-old daughter, Julie, was waiting for relatives to pick them up at the airport. Julie played with the luggage cart, pushing it all over the place. The mom asked Julie to stop doing that. Julie said, "No." The mom said, "Don't tell me no; I tell you no!"

"Don't tell me no; I tell you no!" is a classic example of a frustrated mother reprimanding her toddler. Certainly, other parents and even teachers of young children experience and/or understand this sentiment as they pursue the slow process of teaching infants and toddlers self-control and self-regulation. This article will illuminate how we can use our knowledge about infants' and toddlers' growth and development to better facilitate their evolving abilities toward self-control. Early experiences with the physical and social environment have a tremendous impact on a child's social, emotional, and cognitive development. In guiding young children, what is appropriate and effective differs from child to child. As is frequently noted, children do not come with a manual. As professionals, however, we do have several good indicators of how to understand and care for infants and toddlers in group care.

We need to build our knowledge base and understanding of the developmental characteristics of infants and toddlers in order to help teachers and caregivers determine whether a child's behavior is appropriate or inappropriate.

We also need to remind ourselves of this knowledge as we move from theory to practice. Key developmental processes, such as the first two stages of Erikson's Psychosocial Theory (1963), developmental milestones (Bredekamp & Copple, 1997), temperament (Kagan, Snidman, Zentner, & Peterson, 1999; Thomas & Chess, 1977), milestones in the development of self-control (Marion, 2003), and, especially, a respect for the families and cultural home, are integral to understanding and helping infants and toddlers with the slow process of developing self-control.

Importance of Self-Control

Research indicates that early self-control is related to self-control in later childhood and throughout life (Bronson, 2000; Eisenberg et al., 1997; Sroufe, Carlson, & Schulman, 1993). Children with poor self-control tend to disrupt class, behave aggressively, and are likely to be rejected by their peers. Children with poor control are likely to be poorly adjusted to the adult world. The ability to self-regulate has been associated with secure attachments (Vondra, Shaw, Swearingen, Cohen, & Owens, 2001) and is also predictive of emotional knowledge, social competence, conscience, and resiliency in early to middle childhood (McCabe, Cunnington, & Brooks-Gunn, 2004).

Early regulatory difficulties predict later problematic social behavior. Longitudinal research also has shown a relation between self-regulation in the preschool years and later cognitive achievement (McCabe et al., 2004). The good news is some studies have shown that "self-control can be learned, and when it is learned[,] it leads to increased self-confidence and self-esteem" (Lowenstein, 1983, p. 229).

Erikson (1963) believed humans undergo developmental change throughout the life span and articulated this belief in an eight-stage theory. Only the first two stages, Trust versus Mistrust and Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt, will be discussed here. During the Infancy Stage of Trust versus Mistrust, infants gain a sense of trust from warm and responsive care. If infants' needs are not met consistently, or are met in a harsh manner, infants may believe the world is unfriendly and consequently develop mistrust. When trust is established, however, children are more capable of "waiting" when the significant figures in their lives are gone for a time. For example, during lunch time, a mom tells her daughter, "I am going to get you some milk, and I will be right back." A 20-month-old toddler may say "Mommy, mommy," but will not resort to crying, as she is able to control herself and wait for her mom. Part of developing trust means coping with separation. As teachers, we need to be sensitive to parents' feelings; some parents suffer because their child cries when they leave and others suffer because their child does not cry. Teachers can suggest that parents bring objects from home, such as blankets, soft toys, and photos, that will help comfort children.

The Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt Stage occurs from ages I to 3. Children at this age begin to discover the power they possess. Their developing capabilities allow them to do more for themselves. Adults foster autonomy when they allow reasonable free choice and do not force or shame the child. Children who successfully cope with potty training and feeding themselves, for example, will experience a sense of power that promotes autonomy and self-esteem. If infants and toddlers are restrained too much or punished too harshly, they are likely to develop a sense of shame and doubt. The "popular" word for this age is "no." When children want to "do it," set up the situation so they can. We need to remind ourselves that it takes time to develop a feeling that something belongs to them and not overly emphasize sharing.

Understanding Temperament

Thomas and Chess (1977) completed a longitudinal study involving 133 children from infancy through adulthood that has guided our beliefs on temperament and is foundational to our field. They defined temperament as a person's characteristics or traits that are biologically based and consistent over time. The nine traits (measured on a continuum from low to high) they used to determine the individual's temperament are: activity level, biological rhythm, approach or withdrawal, adaptability, threshold of responsiveness, intensity of reaction, quality of mood, distractibility, and attention span and persistence. The temperament types of "easy," "slow to warm up," "difficult," and "blended" emerged from this influential study. These temperament types are relatively constant over time (Chess & Thomas, 1990; Kagan, 1994; Snidman, Kagan, Riordan, & Shannon, 1995).

Understanding temperament can help parents and caregivers a great deal in their efforts to foster positive interactions, expectations, and guidance with young children. Recognizing and appreciating individual differences can help adults respond to the challenges of young children's temperaments in caring, supportive ways. Thomas and Chess 'propose a goodness-of-fit model to explain how temperament and environment can work together to produce favorable outcomes for the child and more positive interactions for all. Paying attention to a goodness-of-fit model will result in the creation of child-rearing environments that recognize each child's temperament while encouraging adaptive functioning.

Understanding Children's Families and Cultures

Families are central to children's lives. "Each family has its own strengths, competencies, resources, and ways of coping" (Kaiser & Rasminsky, 2003, p. 80). Cultural learning, which is predominantly nonverbal begins at birth (Gonzalez-Mena, 2006). Family and culture are integral elements of learning and teaching self-control in children, as well as many other values and desired facets of development. Teachers need to understand the importance of cultural beliefs, how these beliefs differ (Balaban, 2006), and how culture can affect child behavior and family expectation. A cornerstone work on culture is Ogbu's (1981) cultural-ecological model of child competence. This theory emphasizes that competence is the ability to perform a culturally specified task; thus, child-rearing is geared toward the development of instrumental competencies to prepare the child for economic, political, and social roles as an adult. Ogbu's cultural ecological theory provides a critical piece that helps explain why teachers teach as they do and why parents from various cultures guide children as they do, and reinforces the idea that their respective goals are to make the child competent for that specific culture. Thus, conversation, relationships, and collaboration are all important for teachers and parents in identifying competencies of self-control and guidance and deciding how that learning can be facilitated in the young child.

Understanding children's families and cultures helps teachers meet each child's unique needs more effectively. For example, in China, children who are shy and sensitive are considered to be socially and academically competent; in North America, these children may be viewed as lonely and depressed (Balaban, 2006). Teachers can learn more about families and their cultures in several ways. They might create a survey to gather information from families, for example. The questions can be about the child's family background, previous experiences in a group setting, reactions to new situations, and how the family disciplines their child. Chinese cultures, in general, believe that children are not born knowing how to behave correctly; when children reach the age of understanding, however, parents discipline their children much more strictly (Kelley & Tseng, 1992). African American mothers can be more firm in their disciplining than white mothers; how parents want their children to relate to authority figures can vary among cultures (Gonzalez-Mena, 1997). Each culture's value is different: "Anglo cultures seem to value individualism over familism, whereas Mexican Americans, Native Americans, and Asian Americans demonstrate strong relational bonds with family members" (Hamner & Turner, 1996, p. 184).

Through home visits, teachers can learn more about the child's family and surroundings and benefit from more personal conversations. Asking families to volunteer in the classroom or for a field trip is another approach to learning more about families. Families can be invited into the classroom to serve as resources about their families' culture, food, dress, traditions, and special talents (Hendrick & Weissman, 2007). Understanding cultural differences goes beyond knowing what holidays people celebrate and what foods they eat (Gonzalez-Mena, 1997), however. Conducting parent-teacher conferences provides opportunities for families to share their beliefs and concerns with teachers. Of course, warm, genuine smiles and greetings should be extended to families daily, along with opportunities for conversations about the children.

Understanding, Planning, and Responsiveness

Caregivers need to recognize infants" and toddlers' signs of stress, anxiety, and strong emotion and handle them appropriately. First of all, it is important to define whether the children's inappropriate behaviors are problem behaviors. For example, Reynolds (2001, p. 269) suggested using the following questions to define problem behaviors: Is the child exceeding limits chronically, severely, knowingly, and purposely? When he/she exceeds limits, is he/she harming other children? Does the behavior appear to cause harm to the child himself/herself? Do one or more teachers perceive the behavior as a problem behavior? Because of this perception, is the child receiving negative reinforcement? Is the child's behavior indicative of unmet needs? Does the child attempt to meet his/her needs in inappropriate ways?

Problem behavior may have more than one cause and causes may overlap. For example, the cause could be adults' inappropriate expectations; children's misunderstanding expectations; children's immature self-control; and/or children experiencing feelings of boredom, fatigue, discomfort, discouragement, frustration, shyness, and desire for recognition (Miller, 2004). Problem behaviors also may occur because of separation from parents, family changes (such as new siblings), sibling jealousy, and divorce (Reynolds, 2001).

Setting up a safe, rich, and appropriate environment is a proactive way to help infants and toddlers begin developing self-control. Through interactions with caregivers and environments, infants begin to regulate their own waking and sleeping cycles and their emotional responses to stimulation (Bronson, 2000). "Caregivers can arrange routines and events in the environment so that infants can discover regularities," thus helping "infants learn to recognize the signals that mean food or comfort or stimulation is coming and regulate their emotions" (Bronson, 2000, p. 35). According to Miller (2000), adults can help prevent problem behaviors by removing all possible safety hazards, putting away breakable or valuable items they don't want children to touch, blocking off the areas where they don't want children to be, making the environment as permissible as possible, having duplicates of popular toys and materials (this may prevent children from fighting over a favorite item), and creating separate spaces where children can play to reduce aggressive behaviors.

Setting limits provides a sense of security for infants and toddlers and helps them become responsible. Good limits focus on maintaining "reasonable, fair, clear communicating and developmentally appropriate limits" (Marion, 2003, p. 93). Giving short, concrete reasons along with a limit helps infants and toddlers better understand the limits (Marion, 2003). For example, ask a child to "put the book back on the shelf [limit] so we can find it next time [reason]." One of the ways to state limits effectively is telling "a child exactly what to do rather than what not to do, and be as positive as possible" (Marion, 2003, p. 97). For example, instead of saying "don't run," say "walk"; instead of saying "don't tear the book," say "turn the pages slowly and carefully." Instead of saying "don't dump the puzzle pieces on the floor," say "keep the puzzle on the table." Early language learners may only focus on the last words you say, so if you are giving directions in the negative (i.e., don't run, tear the book, dump) they will remember "run"; " ... tear the book"; " ... dump the puzzle pieces on the floor." Saying "wait" is a good way to stop aggression and children are more likely to pause to see what you want than if you shouted, "Stop!" or "Don't do that!" (Miller, 2000, p. 26). Praising positive behavior is an effective way to reinforce good behavior, although once the behavior is ingrained, one should not continue to praise expected behaviors continually, but rather selectively and authentically praise worthwhile behavior. Use such comments as "I know it was difficult to wait your turn, and I am pleased that you could do it"; "Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You gave your toy to Emily to play; thank you for sharing." It is very important to avoid vague limits, such as "I am not sure that you should be doing that." It is important to have consistent rules and routines that all adults are familiar with and regularly use in conversation, care, and guidance with the infants and toddlers.

Allowing enough time for children to play and complete their work is a helpful transition technique (Miller, 2000). Give notice on upcoming transitions (Nixon, 1999); for example, tell toddlers, "Soon we will clean up." Knowing what will happen next gives children a sense of security and comfort (Nixon, 1999). Gonzalez-Mena and Eyer (2007) state that being receptive to the child's needs includes being respectful, responsive, and reciprocal, or what they call Three-R Interactions. It is also important that interactions with the child include these attributes while having a minimum of interference. Respectful care is relation-based. Get down on the children's eye level when you interact with them and get close to them when you want to talk. The close presence of an adult can prevent problems from arising. Responsive interactions encourage the caregiver to get in touch with children. Give a warm greeting, say their name, make eye contact, smile, and place a gentle hand on the shoulder--these gestures will help children feel counted and acknowledged. The third interaction is reciprocal care to promote attachment. Play with children and show interest in their work. In turn, this will encourage children to engage with materials and people and be responsive in their attachments with others.

Acknowledge children's feelings by asking about and giving labels to the emotions. "By encouraging children to express themselves verbally, we are facilitating language development" (Nixon, 1999, p. 61). Also, we are sending the message that they have been heard, and that it is acceptable to have various feelings. Sometimes, people just want their feelings to be acknowledged and accepted (Nixon, 1999). For example, adults can ask, "Are you feeling sad? Do you want to come and sit with me? It looks like you really want to have Deanna's book," or "Jessica, you seem very frustrated. I realize you want another cookie." Children are more likely to tolerate frustration when we acknowledge their frustration. It is also helpful to tell children how their behavior affects you, using I-messages. Examples of I-messages are: "When you hit me, I feel hurt"; "I get frustrated when I have to pick up things that somebody else has worked with."

Positive social behaviors are most likely to be developed by children who have a close bonding experience with a loving caregiver and have participated in a relationship of trust and attachment to reliable adults. Toddlers use imitation as a means of acquiring new behaviors. Adults can model appropriate behavior sequences that toddlers can carry out independently. For example, teach children to ask for a toy they want by saying, "May I play with that?" If the child who is playing with the toy is not ready to give it away yet, the adult can model words for the children, such as, "Say, 'When I'm finished, you can have it.'" Adults can also teach children to "use simple phrases, such as 'Stop that' or 'I don't like that' when another child is threatening or bothering them" (Miller, 2000, p. 26). Children use different ways to calm themselves, such as thumb sucking, holding onto something "secure," hair/finger twisting, and/or rubbing their belly. Some self-calming behaviors are learned, and so adults can Leach self-calming techniques to children by thinking about the strategies that adults use themselves and teaching the ones that are appropriate for young children (Gonzalez-Mena & Eyer, 2007).

Figure 2: Milestones in the Development of Self-Control
from Marian Marion's Guidance of Young Children (2003, pp. 58-59)

birth-12 months

* Incapable of self-control

* Not in conscious control of their reflex movements

* Learning that the self is separate from other people--the very first
step on the road to self-control

12-24 months

* Not yet capable of self-control

* Able to start, stop, change, or maintain motor acts or emotional
signals

* Beginning to be aware of the demands made by caregivers

* In possession of more sophisticated communication skills, enabling
understanding of another person's instructions and modeling

* Ready to follow an adult's lead

24 months: Transition to self-control

* Able to recall what someone has said or done

* Able to represent experiences

* Using these new abilities to make the transition to beginning
self-control

* Have only a limited ability to control themselves--to wait for their
turn or to delay gratification

36 months: Self-control emerges

* Able to use certain strategies that help them delay gratification

When it is appropriate to do so, ignoring behavior is an effective form of behavior management (Marion, 2003). Ignoring inappropriate behavior does not mean you should ignore the child, just the behavior--for example, when a child whines or argues about limits, or when a child tries to make the teacher angry, one should ignore the behavior. Ignore the behavior only if it does not endanger the child or others, and as long as the behaviors will not damage or destroy property. Ignoring means no eye contact or facial expression. It is appropriate, if necessary, to turn your back or leave the room to keep from giving the child attention for inappropriate behavior. When the behavior stops, praise the child immediately by saying, "I am glad you stopped your temper tantrum. It's much nicer to be with you when you are not screaming." The child has now learned temper tantrums did not get your attention; rather, you provided it when he/she stopped the tantrum and attention-seeking behavior.

Redirecting children to acceptable activities means substituting an appropriate activity for an inappropriate activity by distracting the child and encouraging new choices. You may also give a simple explanation of why the behavior is not acceptable. For example, if a child is climbing on a table, redirect the child by saying, "I see you want to climb, but it's not okay to climb on the table. I want you to be safe. Let's go over here to the steps." Also, when a child is throwing blocks, we can talk to the child by saying, "Blocks are for building. Here are some bean bags you can throw" (Miller, 2000).

Provide choice for children, but "avoid giving a choice when the child really has no choice" (Marion, 2003, p. 98). Giving children choices shows them "respect and empowers them" (Nixon, 1999, p. 61). If you make many interesting toys and activities available, it will be easier to wait for a desired toy someone else is using. However, it is not fair and is confusing to a child to be given a choice when he really does not have a choice in the matter (Marion, 2003). For example, when asking a child, "Do you want to wear a paint shirt?" or "Do you want to go home now?," adults set themselves up for an argument with a child who says "No" to such questions, because you then must backtrack and tell the child why she/he has no choice (Marion, 2003). Instead, simply state, "It's time to put on your paint shirt." Or, more definitively assert, "It's time to go home now." Finally, be conscientious about avoiding the informal language habit of adding "okay" onto the end of a sentence. This, again, gives the toddler the sense that there is a choice, when that should not be your intent. If we do want to give children choices, for example, during clean-up time, we can say, "Do you want to pick up the red pieces or the blue pieces?" (Honig & Brophy, 1996, p. 125). The child still needs to clean up; Honig and Brophy (1996) call this a "forced choice" (p. 125).

Minimize waiting to help prevent problem behaviors. For example, don't bring children to the lunch table until the food is there. Have one adult go outside to receive children as they are ready, rather than expecting them to line up and wait (Miller, 2000). Providing active play, such as physical exercise, a game, and dancing, will help children release their energy and be more ready to participate in quiet activities inside (Miller, 2000). The rhythm of the day should allow for a flow between active and quiet activities and choices for alternative activities to meet the individual child's needs.

Conclusion

It is important to always remember that neither adults nor young children show perfect self-control at all times (Marion, 2003). It is important for our emotional health--and for the child's--that we stay calm, restate limits, and re-teach the lesson. We should expect that children who are beginning to learn this control will continue to act impulsively at times. Learning self-control is a slow, continuous process of controlling our emotions and gratifications. Starting to teach this control when children are infants will give them a lifelong gift.

References

Balaban, N. (2006). Easing the separation process for infants, toddlers, and families. Young Children, 61(6), 14-20.

Bredekamp, S., & Copple, C. (Eds.). (1997). Developmentally appropriate practice in early childhood programs (Rev. ed.). Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Bronson, M. B. (2000). Recognizing and supporting the development of self-regulation in young children. Young Children, 55(2), 32-37.

Chess, S., & Thomas, A. (1990). Continuities and discontinuities in development. In L. S. Robins & M. Rutter (Eds.), Straight and devious pathways from childhood to adulthood (pp. 98-114). New York: Cambridge University Press.

Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., Shepard, S. A., Murphy, B. C., Gutrie, I. K., Jones, S., Friedman, l., Poulin, R., & Maszk, P. (1997). Contemporaneous and longitudinal prediction of children's social functioning from regulation and emotionality. Child Development, 68, 642-664.

Erikson, E. H. (1963). Childhood and society (2nd ed.). New York: Norton.

Gonzalez-Mena, J. (1997). Multicutural issues in child care. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company.

Gonzalez-Mena, J. (2006). The young child in the family and the community. Columbus, OH: Merrill Prentice Hall.

Gonzalez-Mena, J., & Eyer, D. W. (2007). Infants, toddlers, and caregivers: A curriculum of respectful, responsive care and education (7th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.

Hamner, T. J., & Turner, P. H. (1996). Parenting in contemporary society. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

Hendrick, J., & Weissman, P. (2007). Total learning: Developmental curriculum for the young child. Columbus, OH: Merrill Prentice Hall.

Honig, A. S., & Brophy, H. E. (1996). Talking with your baby: Family as the first school. Syracuse, NY: Syracuse University Press.

Kagan, J. (1994). Galen's prophecy. New York: Basic Books.

Kagan, J., Snidman, N., Zentner, M., & Peterson, E. (1999). Infant temperament and anxious symptoms in school age children. Development and Psychopathology, 11, 209-224.

Kaiser, B., & Rasminsky, J. S. (2003). Challenging behavior in young children: Understanding, preventing, and responding effectively. Boston: Pearson Education.

Kelley, M., & Tseng, H. (1992). Cultural differences in child rearing. Journal of Cross Cultural Psyhcology, 23(4), 444-455.

Lowenstein, L. F. (1983). Developing self-control and self-esteem in disturbed children. School Psychology International, 4, 229-236.

Marion, M. (2003). Guidance o/young children (6th ed.). Columbus, OH: Merrill Prentice Hall.

McCabe, L. A., Cunnington, M., & Brooks-Gunn, J. (2004). The development of self-regulation in young children: Individual characteristics and environmental contexts. In R. F Baumeister & K. D. Vohs (Eds.), Handbook o/self-regulation: Research, theory, and applications (pp. 340-356). New York: Guilford.

Miller, D. F. (2004). Positive child guidance (4th ed.). Clifton Park, NY: Delmar Learning.

Miller, K. (2000). Caring for the little ones. Child Care Information Exchange, 132, 24-26.

Nixon, P. D. (1999). Negotiating with toddlers. Young Children, 54(1), 60-61.

Ogbu, J. (1981). Origins of human competence: A cultural-ecological perspective. Child Development, 52, 413-429.

Reynolds, E. (2001). Guiding young children: A problem-solving approach (3rd ed.). Burr Ridge, IL: McGraw-Hill.

Snidman, N., Kagan, J., Riordan, L., & Shannon, D. C. (1995). Cardiac function and behavioral reactivity. Psychophysiology, 32, 199-207.

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Thomas, A., & Chess, S. (1977). Temperament and development. New York: Bruner/Mazel.

Vondra, J. I., Shaw, D. S., Swearingen, L., Cohen, M., & Owens, E. B. (2001). Attachment stability and emotional and behavioral regulation from infancy to preschool age. Development and Psychopathology, 13, 13-33.

Tsunghui Tu and Martha Lash are Assistant Professors, Teaching, Leadership, and Curriculum Studies, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio.

Figure 1
Temperament Table

 Type of
Tempera-   % of All
  ment     Children      Characteristics             Adult's Role

Easy Baby    40%     Delights their parents    * Make sure these
                     and teachers. Adapts        children are safe
                     easily to change. Eats      while they are
                                                 exploring
                     and sleeps on schedule;   * Set aside special
                     adaptable, approachable,    time to interact with
                     positive in mood.           these children

                     Over the years, a mere    * Be sensitive to these
                     7.5% of these children      children's needs
                     developed behavior
                     problems.

Slow to      15%     Takes a long time to      * Give these children
Warm Up              become familiar to new      time to adapt and
                     things, but with time       slowly draw them into
                     and patient care, they      new situations
                     become interested and     * Allow independence to
                     involved. Eventually        unfold
                     adapts.

                     About 50% of these
                     children later had some
                     behavior problems.

Difficult    10%     Demands much more of      * Be flexible
                     their families and        * Prepare these
                     teachers: Cries loudly      children ahead of
                     and often has tantrums,     time for change
                     resists new things and    * Provide for active
                     changes in routine;         play
                     eating and sleeping       * Patiently guide them
                     patterns are                and build positive
                     unpredictable; always       interactions
                     seems to be in a bad or
                     negative mood;
                     unpredictable; intense
                     and irritable reactions
                     related to new settings
                     and people.

                     Although this is the
                     smallest percentage of
                     all children, about 70%
                     of these children
                     developed problem
                     behaviors.

Blended      35%     Does not fit any          * Understand and
                     specific category;          accommodate
                     displays unique             temperamental traits
Tempera-             blends of temperamental
ments                characteristics.