"Aint" and other politically correct words.

In honor of a decision last year to change Valentine's Day to Friendship Celebration Day (because Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine and anyone who hears a religious name may become infected with God) by a DePere, Wisconsin, school district, we thought we'd help Christiaphobics rename a few more items that have religious implications, to make them politically correct.

Saint Patrick's Day (named for the Patron Saint of Ireland)--As we can't call it Lucky Leprechaun Day because that may offend some short people who are neither lucky nor affiliated with Leprechauns, and as the politically correct would be against alcohol usage being associated with Irishmen (okay, Irish people), which rules out "Irish Pub Day," and as the only thing the politically correct really seem to like about the day is all the green color that goes with it, we'll change the holiday to "Bring a Shrub to Work Day."

Angel food cake (a cake so light and fluffy that it's fit for angels)--There's already a devil's food cake, and so we can't use that. So we'll call it kook cake (appropriate because in Christiaphobes' eyes, the only crazies in the world, believers in astrology notwithstanding, are people who believe in angels).

San Jose (a California city named after Saint Joseph)--Because the United States obviously stole this land from the Spanish who stole it from the natives (the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo and all the money that America paid for the land being obviously nothing like the noble Louisiana Purchase), the name should be changed to Mexicus Correctus--or just plain Mexico.

Santa Claus (a dialectic version of Saint Nicholas)--Keeping in mind that it would be politically incorrect to call him The Fat Guy in the Red Suit, he will be called The Gift Guy (or Gift Woman or Gift Person or, so as not to offend animals or other sentient creatures, Gift Giver).

Christmas (the celebration of Christ's birthday)--This will obviously be changed to The Holiday of Pine Trees. (Coincidentally, this is what the Soviets renamed the holiday in the Christian countries that they occupied after World War II to erase religion from those countries.)

Santa Ana (a hot desert wind named after Saint Anne)--Reflecting the animosity that the majority of the politically correct have for politicians in the party opposing their favored party (and ignoring the fact that there really isn't much of a difference between the two main political parties), it will forever be known as a Republican Wind.

Saint Bernard (breed of large, reddish-brown and white dog)--Since no sentient being can be labeled by color (that's racist even when you're talking about animals), except when a member of the group in question is making the color commentary, and since dogs can't talk (at least to most people), we can't simply call them large, reddish-brown and white dogs. We'll have to go with something more distinguished, like The Dogs That Used to Carry Barrels of Supplies Around Their Necks to Aid Stranded Hikers in Europe.

Thanksgiving (a national holiday for giving thanks to God)--For a short time this was being morphed into Turkey Day, until turkeys staged some sort of protest in Hollywood and eating turkey then became "inhumane"; hence, it will now be known as The National Four-day Weekend in November.

Anaheim Angels (professional baseball team)--Since competitive sports damage the psyche and promote violence among heterosexual couples (homosexual couples are apparently somehow immune), and since lots of hot dogs are sold at stadiums, and this is cruel (to animals), we'll just make this easy and abolish the team.

Easter (the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus)--Obviously to be known as Fluffy Bunny Day or The Other National Holiday for Getting Candy Besides Halloween.

Corpus Christi (a city in Texas whose name means Body of Christ)--Preferably to be called Corpse of Christendom (wishful thinking on their part).

Finally, let's not forget Los Angeles (short for Reina de los Angeles or Queen of Angels), San Francisco (named after Saint Francis of Assisi), St. Paul (this one is too obvious), angel-hair pasta, or myriad other Christian-related names. Let's face it, the mere invocation of God or the use of a Christian-based name isn't going to brainwash listeners into religious conversion. If that were the case, every person who ever recited the Pledge of Allegiance (you know, "one nation under God") would be religious, but it just ain't so (I'm allowed to use the word "ain't" because enforcement of the Written Standard is racist--see Ebonics).